How can I keep our son out of our life
Our son has now taken the peace of our life and it has started affecting my professional life as well.
He is 18 and is scheduled to start the university this fall. In the last year and half his behavior has changed dramatically spending more than 12 hours out of home returning in the late night, smoking and drinking. I have caught him many times at homes with alcohol.
Recently he was caught stealing alcohol from store and was arrested. I had to hire attorney to secure SOC and he is now under 2 years watch. We keep saying about good values of life but he seems to forget the next moment.
I was planning to finance his engineering study hoping he would change. Now I come to realize that he has no life skills and it is getting worse. I have been doing all his work including his university application despite reminding many times that it was his job to do. He is in a bad company and all that matters to him are his friends. He has become a pathological liar.
We can't deal with him anymore and would like to stay away from him for ever. I know, he could become violent hearing this, but cannot deal any more stress in our life.
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Don't do your sons work. Yes he may fail his studies because of it, but this will most likely happen eventually anyway.
He needs to take responsibility for his own life, and this will not happen if he knows you're always there to help him out of whatever trouble he's got himself into.
Also if he gets in trouble with the law again, don't hire an attorney for him, or pay his bail money. He's an adult, and needs to understand that if he makes mistakes, he has to to deal with the consequences himself.
I might be flamed off the site for this but are you sure your reaction is justified? From your description your son's big transgressions are drinking, smoking, stealing and telling lies. I can think of only a few I've known who have not done one or all of those things when they were young. It's stupid, irresponsible, and can damage your future but it's also a part of being young. You learn your lessons, you mold your life, and if you're lucky your family and friends stand by you even if you screw up.
When you say "stay away from him for ever" it's a tragic horror and so sad to think these are the things that got him disowned from his family. Now it's possible you're not mentioning how bad it actually is. Maybe he really is violent and hurting you physically, or perhaps his friends are the sort that could get everyone killed (like drug dealers using him to make meth in your back yard) or some crimes so bad you can't live with yourself knowing you are letting him do this without turning him in (like murder or rape)
I don't know how bad it is, but I can imagine how bad the whole world would be if it was common for people to give up on their families just because they tried alcohol and cigarettes and happened to like them like most people that try those things, especially at that age. Or maybe they were dared to go on a beer run, or maybe they just wanted to know the thrill. But he's young. He will still be young 5 years from now. He will screw up, he will put his family and friends in a hard place, and he will probably feel sorry about those things. If not now, then someday. That's the normal path of life.
What exactly do you want for your son? Are you sure the path of the university is what HE wants? Nobody wants their kids to be screw ups or end up living under a bridge or worse. But people should be able to choose their own paths. Maybe right now he needs to screw up to really know what he does or doesn't want in life.
I can't tell you what to do. But I think it's beyond extreme to totally disown your son because he's making some mistakes. Maybe you should first try not doing his work for him. If he knows you won't do it, maybe he will.
It sounds like he is struggling with addiction issues. Stealing liquor is a huge red flag. With addiction, things like values, ethics and planning for the future go out the window. This is not a reflection of the person underneath but a symptom of the problem. If you can help him work through that problem, you will get the person back. Unfortunately, sometimes it takes serious consequences for the person to want to change. Do not shield him from those consequences - it will only prolong the inevitable.
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