How to handle my spoiled 20-year-old step-granddaughter and her enabling mother?
My 20-year-old step-granddaughter's father left when she was nine and my husband and I have been there for both of them before, during and after all of their crises, so perhaps I feel more like we are co-parenting them both.
This year, my step-granddaughter's birthday fell on Father's Day. That day, she had a tantrum, because she wanted to family singing when others were going to watch her grandfather's Father's Day gift, a comedy DVD.
She grabbed the DVD out of the machine and threw it across the room and it landed on the sofa next to her grandfather. I told her to pick that up "right now". Her mother rushed in from the kitchen and said "No one yells at my daughter on her birthday!"
After years of BS from these two I had had it and got up and walked out. We will never get the the apology we deserve, I am sure. But I will never be as forgiving, generous and lenient as I have in the past, either.
My husband got a lame text from his daughter with an "I miss you" the following week... nothing else.
I am looking for suggestions on other ways to react or know if my reaction was valid. Anybody knows a better reaction?
(3)3 Comments
Sorted by latest first Latest Oldest Best
At this point it is probably too late.
I know someone who was incredibly coddled and treated like a princess by her parents perhaps due to them not being able to do anything about a bad thing that had occurred in her past.
Unfortunately, it makes it difficult for such a person to be pleased by common expressions of care because such actions don't measure up to what they expect. If they don't get what they want they react negatively to the point of being able to ruin their relationship with other people.
In general, when they were being parented, they should have been told "no" appropriately and with firmness so they could learn to deal with it. The world is not going to give anyone everything they want once they stop living with indulgent parents -- we're all busy trying to live our lives.
So, in short, my answer is that I think it is too late. I've seen this before and it is not a situation I ever want anything to do with. If they grow up they can demonstrate such by their actions. If they don't, well, their mother will apparently always be there to comfort them.
There are inherent limitations to the step-parent role -- and by extension, the step-grandparent role. Step-parents are in a very awkward situation. Those who are able to navigate those choppy waters the most gracefully usually decline to take a direct disciplinary role. I would recommend that you give that a try.
However, you can give a step-child or step-grandchild an I-message. This is probably easiest to accomplish if you avoid attempting it in the heat of the moment. "Marlene, I felt so startled when the DVD was flying across the room."
I know two ways to elicit an apology.
If I'm really irate, and there's no doubt in my mind that the person behaved abominably, with no provocation, and even then, this doesn't usually work as well as #2 , below -- "Marlene, I'm not accustomed to being spoken to / treated that way, and I think you owe me an apology."
"Marlene, I'd like to apologize for leaving your party so abruptly last month. I was startled and offended, and didn't think before I acted. I'm sorry if I overreacted." At this point, if the apology was perceived as sincere, Marlene will probably apologize for her part in the blow-up!
This may be closed soon, but I wouldn't want you to leave without something to think about.
Your granddaughter may well be spoiled, or perhaps she lacks impulse control, because we don't know all the particulars.
There may have been extenuating circumstances (was her birthday on Father's day? Why, on her birthday, were you all doing something she didn't want to do? Was there a discussion that included her opinions on her special day? I mean, she's not a toddler, but a birthday celebration is, well, to celebrate the person who was born on that date. If it was mixed Father's Day/Birthday, it is more understandable.)
The common wisdom about grandparents is that they don't "parent" when the actual parents are present. This undermines the parent's role, leaving them feeling unsupported and implicitly criticized.
Anybody have a better reaction?
You might consider setting healthy boundaries.
Examples:
"Throwing things indicates anger getting out of control, and is threatening behavior. If you throw something, you will be asked and expected to leave if you are in our home; if you are not, we will leave, because we will not engage with you while you're out of control."
"We love you, and would like to maintain a relationship with you. If we have offended you, we want you to feel free to tell us respectfully how you feel and why, and we promise to respectfully listen and consider what you've said. That way, we can avoid hurtful arguments. (and vs, versa.)"
I'm unsure about the last statements.
We will never get the the apology we deserve, I am sure. But I will never be as forgiving, generous and lenient as I have in the past, either.
Healthy boundaries are placed so that hurtful people don't continue to hurt you. Read about setting boundaries. Most people are good at many things, but it's unusual to find people who are really good at setting boundaries, even though they make such a difference. Just know you cannot set someone else's boundaries; you can only set your own.
Terms of Use Privacy policy Contact About Cancellation policy © freshhoot.com2025 All Rights reserved.