: Son chooses what my daughter chose then gets upset he doesn't get it We have a nearly 5 year old boy and a 2 year old girl. Our son has gotten in the habit of, when we ask them both to choose something, waiting for his sister

It seems he is more interested in having what she wants than deciding what he wants himself. Likely the color or scarcity of resource is not the issue; if there were 2 white plates, he would want the one in her hand.

When you reduce it to that and see that it is about him having her things, you can try to solve it a few ways depending on your personal parenting style.

Find out his preference, take it from him and give it to her. He will likely have some form of tantrum, but it may help him to understand that having been given a choice and then having someone try to take it away is very hurtful. Sometimes forcing tantrums works, sometimes it doesn't, but you'd know that better.
Do not give them a choice. Set their plates in front of them (being sure to mentally rotate yourself so each kid gets a well-mixed rotation of different colored plates). Obviously, this removes all choice and since choice (especially unimportant choice) allows children to experience some much needed control in their lives, they're missing out on the opportunity, but when choice breeds conflict, it may be best to inject it elsewhere.
Have a jar with colored beads in it, one for each plate color and an additional bead (just one) that indicates "choose any not chosen plate." Green bead gets a green plate. Yellow bead, yellow plate. Gold bead, any plate that no one else has.
Just say "no." She chose first, there's only one, he'll need to pick something different. Next time he can choose first. Again though, this probably isn't about the plate or the color, but taking what's hers.

Outside of the dinner moment, it may be helpful to practice choosing things like Candy Land players (he can't have hers), pictures to color, crayons (only one red), etc. This will help reinforce sharing, accepting scarcity, patiently waiting his turn, and most importantly realizing it just doesn't matter.

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There are a number of good answers already but I didn't see anyone mention giving one sibling the chance to pick for the other and rotate.

Day 1: Son, which plate do you think your sister would like?

Day 2: Daughter, which plate do you think your brother would like?

The idea is on their day to choose, they are taught to make their sibling happy. The end result is the same as taking turns but the motivation is different.

I never really had this issue with my kids but we had the issue of splitting a soda and one pours and grabs the cup that has more soda. The solution for that was one pours and the other chooses. It's kinda hilarious to watch your kids practically get out the ruler to make sure they are even... like a few more drops really makes that much of a difference.

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Since it seems this is a recurring issue, I would address the underlying need to compete/rivalry that is happening. In my life I have worked with some strategies that have been very helpful.

One of my best ones is buy a gift for the younger child the older one really would want. It an even be a little too old for your younger one or not their typical desire. You do this to give your younger child a balance in currency. It is normal for a younger child to want to be more like the older child, eye all their cool things he/she can't touch, etc, but the younger child doesn't usually legitimately have much the older child wants & that they have any control over. So gifting them a toy the older child would want is one such way to rebalance some leverage between them.

I work on talking to them about siblings, what that means, and our family values on how we treat the members of the family. I instill strongly in my older children what an important job they have while growing up to teach the younger one(s) things, and to watch out for them, have their back & as the little one(s) get bigger, they will have chances to reciprocate that as well. I constantly refer to us as a team & how different people on every team have their positions, their strongsuits and weaknesses & we work as a whole to optimism everyone's abilities. And I absolutely say "Come on team Smith, let's get it together" to remind them when they are not acting as a team. I also tell them all the time that we do not compete with people on our own team, we don't beat them down or try to undermine them. We are supposed to help the team be stronger by helping every person on the team to grow & feel confident & look out for each other. Together we can take on the world.

And I do offer lots of choices, but I am mindful how they are offered. With plates I have actually gone to all the same plates, every child has their own specific cup, they chose & I bought several of each (I started with one per kid & washed as needed). The plates are pricey, but I love the ones I settled on because they are super durable & suction down to the table. They are for small kids or special needs. The point is they have shown to be super durable, everyone has the same and they never spill because they can't. It's a beautiful thing.

I am trying to envision the various situations where multiple children would be given choices over a limited number of items & am having a tough time relating it to my life. I allow choices like, "Do you want to put your shoes on first or your coat", and "Do you want a snack before or after your bath". I can't think of times I allow the sort of choice you mention. I did let them pick their own cups as mentioned. I let them also pick some cups for the other kids that come over. If we have something like Popsicles & there are a few left with different colors, then we try to rotate who gets first pick. I can't keep track from one time to the next on something as specific as Popsicles, so we just rotate all the time. So kid 1 got to pick a Popsicle flavor first so kid 2 can choose to sit in the middle row or back row in the car (the youngest is always in the same spot since she is still in an installed carseat that I do not move), and then kid 3 can pick which movie we watch first.

Overall I haven't experienced this causing any upset. They all know they will get a turn to pick first next time & like I said, I give choices on things that are more specific to that one child as often as I can versus choices that impact the other kids. I only do that when I have to, like when there is only one red Popsicle left.

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The simple solution is buy two plates of each color.

There may be times when your children will not be able to have what they desire. (Maybe. Philosophies differ on that.)

This is not one of those times.

You should decide what lesson you want to convey.

Some people want to convey the lesson, "Even the simple things in life are hard to get or achieve." I don't like that lesson, don't agree with it, and don't wish to convey it to my son.

Another philosophy is that one can always get what one wants or dreams of, given sufficient intention to achieve it and sufficient hard work and planning.

I like this lesson, more or less, and would be happy to convey it to my son. This would suggest an approach of making the child responsible for earning the money to buy the additional desired plate. But for something as simple as an extra plate, I might just buy it. (Also see notes below concerning EXCHANGE.)

Perhaps you wish your son to be polite. That I can agree with.

However, politeness is not the senior attribute for all of life. I want to make some outrageous analogies that are less in response to you (the Original Poster) and more in response to various comments and other attitudes on this subject I've observed in life:

You have to consider what your own intentions really are if you don't want to purchase another plate. And determine if you are truly working toward a desirable goal, or just aren't willing for the kid to get what he wants (a "can't have" attitude).

To give an outrageous reductio ad absurdum example, probably offensive, imagine someone striking a screaming child repeatedly and saying, "I'm going to teach him some manners! I'm not going to stop until he asks me politely." What motivates this? Maybe a lot of things, but certainly not a clear-cut wholesome desire for the child's improvement.

One of the things that might motivate it would be a convoluted ideology that "Life is awful tough and if you don't learn to take your lumps without screaming now, you'll have to learn it later when the lumps won't be administered by a loving parent like me."

None of this is related to actually improving the child, despite the justifications used. (If you disagree, perhaps time for some introspection.)

I make that wild analogy because it's the same mental mechanism behind denying the child what he wants simply because it may not always be possible to fulfill the desire.

The most important factor is exchange. Exchange is something in return for something. This exchange does not have to be with money.

When the child is very young the exchange may be simply asking nicely, or it may be making you smile and laugh. That is his (or her) contribution. You can reward that with an extra plate. (I'm not saying you will explicitly label it as a reward.)

When the child is older and wants a new bicycle, you may work out other exchange. When he or she wants a car, the teenager may have to produce and contribute and exchange with other people to earn the money necessary to buy a car.

The type of exchange will change; the fact of exchange will not.

You should avoid the child reaching the point where he believes he can get anything he wants with no exchange or contribution on his part whatsoever. But you should also avoid engendering the belief that he can't get what he wants no matter what he does or contributes.

The contention on this answer (six upvotes and three downvotes at this writing) is interesting.

I'm addressing this specific question, not some hypothetical other question which may or may not be similar. In fact, my basic premise here is that:

The key to handling this situation is to not equate it with other situations.

Your kids both want a green plate. Fine, get two green plates. Handled.

Yes, there are other things they really can't both have, but plates is not one of them.

When you encounter other things they really can't both have, get them to understand the real reasons why not.

And they'll know you're telling the truth, because they'll know by experience (green plates) that if there weren't any real reasons for them not to have it, they could have it.

If you can't explain the reason to the kid in a persuasive way that they can understand and agree with, there's probably something wrong with your reason.

Try getting a kid to understand: "No, you can't have a plate, because then when there are other things that you can't have, you won't understand why you can't have them." Factually, that reason makes absolutely no sense at all.

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People are not robbed of choices they were never given to begin with.

Asking two children open-ended "which would you like?"-style questions is a recipe for disaster if you don't have the resources to satisfy both of them.

Instead, ask one child:

Which would you like?

If you know that child will have a hard time choosing, make it a leading question:

Do you want the green one?

The problem with this solution is of course favoritism. The general solution to the problem is to keep track of who you last asked. Children tend to be good at keeping track of when they didn't get to pick, so you can be up-front and ask who's turn it is to pick before asking one or the other.

Once both children are old enough, the next step is to help them develop empathy by asking one what the other would like.

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Explain the problem and your solution clearly.

The 5-year-old probably is able to understand first come first served. If your rule is the first to speak gets their way, be clear that is why the girl gets her choice. Trying to use your interpretation of his motivations in explaining the rule may not be clear if he doesn't understand his feelings using those words; often children (most people really) have some trouble being clear about why they want what they want.

If you want to continue to offer choices but don't want to worry about competition only allow one to choose at a time. Instead of "kids pick your plates." Say "[one kid] it is your turn to pick first, [other kid] you will get to pick first next time." Since the 5-year-old feels he's been losing I would offer him first pick first. Keeping track of whose turn it is across multiple activities with multiple care takers is left as an exercise for the reader.

Or ask him. A 5-year-old probably has some notions of fairness, and a conversation about it is a great way to help align them with yours. Be sure you have good support for your notions of fairness; I would have a good explanation or two (the more ways you can explain tricky concepts the more likely one will be understood) of why "I always get my way" is not acceptable ready and then try to work out how his plans lead to it.

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Maybe don't ask? No choice. Everybody has a green or white or whatever color you want plate even, Mom and Dad, so there's no choices. Nobody is happy but nobody is sad that they don't have what they want...

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Have you considered that your son may be "deliberately" forcing the conflict? I put "deliberately" in quotes, because it probably isn't conscious or intentional, but doesn't seem like any coincidence that he always places you in a situation where you have to pick sides.

You may want to institute a consistent rule --oldest picks first, youngest picks first, strict alternation. The actual rule doesn't matter as much as the consistency, and whether or not you are able to provide a legitimate justification for it. The main thing is to reduce the opportunity for the situation to be a referendum on which child has the upper hand.

Personally I think absolute fairness is a myth --children are different, and different ages are different too. The key is to make sure you're not displaying actual favoritism (and not just perceived favoritism).

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