When is the right time to tell my daughter she's not my biological child?
To try to keep the story short...
I got divorced almost 4 yrs ago and I have a 11, 12 & 15 yr old.
Now I had my suspicions, but I guess I wanted to look the other way and not find out whether it was real or not.
Going through the divorce I found out that my 12 yr old (middle child) was not my biological child. That of course broke my heart, but I was more upset about what it was going to do to her when she found out. In a way I decided not to say anything. Every now and then my daughter asks "you do that?" and then says "I must of have gotten that from you". Recently she had a seizure and when the doctor asked about family history the ex-wife was quick to say no history of seizures. All of that got me thinking if I was doing the right thing, I'm trying to protect my 3 kids from the heart break, she just trying to protect herself.
What are your thoughts?
(4)4 Comments
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I think the best answer is "as soon as possible". She has a right to know, and the longer you leave it the bigger the shock and the more upset she will be about the delay. But first you need to talk to your ex about it so that she is prepared for the inevitable questions and accusations.
(You don't say how you know, and hence how sure you are. I'll assume that its something 100% like DNA)
Also at some point she will be studying genetics, and basic stuff like eye colour can give the game away. You need to sort it out before then.
And finally, genetic history matters for some conditions. If her biological father has a history of epilepsy then the doctors may need to know. But I can understand if that would be complicated (e.g. if the biological father is married). Maybe you should have a quiet word with the doctor to find out how important the information is.
Edit: one more thing. I can well understand that you feel hurt by these events, and you are probably angry with your ex-wife as a result. But try to help your daughter maintain her relationship with her mother. Your daughter is going to need that relationship in the years to come, as well as her relationship with you.
I have no expertise in this area, but I think it's right to provide a different view..
I don't think this is at all equivalent to egg or sperm donation, due to the mother's deception, so I'd be careful not to assume it should be approached in an equivalent way.
I think you need to get the facts straight before you do anything. Eg the who the why and the when. Does the biological father know? I'm sure she will want the answers to these questions.
Ignorance is bliss. Is there really a compelling reason to tell her now? Given that she is a teenager, she is well past the age where she will just accept it and move on, but before an an age where she can approach it in a mature way.
One reason I can think of for telling her is to avoid the possibility of her independently forming relationships with any of her relatives. That would cause more damage!
If you do decide to tell her now, I think you and the mother need to be present and the mother do the talking.
I discussed this issue at great depth ten years ago when my best friend's egg-donor-generated child was born. Our discussions went back and forth many times. In the end, my friend decided to tell her as soon as she was old enough to understand. The moment happened around age 8 for her.
While we all were anxious about what would happen, the child took it naturally, because it had been introduced naturally. My friend did it very lovingly, and explained that she may not have been her biological mother but she was her mother. Four years have passed since that moment: for the child, this is an unimportant fact, which she knows and periodically refers to casually.
I know you must be anguished. I am not sure if anyone's experience can apply 100% to any other person. But, based on this one data point, my suggestions would be:
Do it earlier rather than later
Do it lovingly and fairly casually (i.e. not with drama)
Make the theme "I am your father. I love you. Your biological father is someone else."
This must feel like such a big issue right now. Fifteen years from now, you and your daughter will not see it the same way. You will still be her loving father, and that's all there will be to it. Wishing you the very best.
She has a right to know, yes, but under the circumstances it should be your ex's job to tell her. You raised her as your own and I assume that you love her just the same. I know I love my biological and non-biological children with equal might. but if you are the one to tell her "I'm not your Dad", that may be really hard to do without her taking it as a form of rejection.
What she needs to know is that you're her dad, you will always be her dad, and that it doesn't matter one bit to you how she came out to be born. And that you will always be there for her no matter what. Period. And if your ex breaks the news, and your talk with her is "I also didn't find out until recently, and frankly it doesn't matter to me and I will always love you no matter what! And I sure hope that you feel the same!" That is what she will need to hear.
And I'm not going to sugar-coat how hard it will probably be on you should she seek out getting to know the other half of her biological family tree. but you're the one with the history with her. You're the one who stars in all her memories.
She may have a different father, but you will always be her Dad if that is what you want. And I hope that you do for both of your sakes.
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