My 6-year-old has angry outbursts, possibly related to a newborn sibling. How can we help her?
Our six-year-old daughter is the eldest of 3 girls: her sisters are 3 years, and 3 months respectively. At varying points during the day she will flare up with rage; the triggers can be play-related (sharing, something not going as expected); conversation-related (us not understanding her, or making decisions she doesn't like); or sibling-related (annoyed by her middle sister). They're strong outbursts: screaming, throwing herself around and lashing out verbally.
Between the outbursts she's loving, humorous and good-natured. She's always affectionate towards her baby sister, but this anger does seem to have surfaced since around the time the baby was born, suggesting a possible link.
Stuff we've tried:
Conversations about it when she's not angry (reasons why, and tactics
for helping, namely taking herself away, breathing deeply): she
doesn't engage, or if it does register it doesn't seem to help her
Time outs: used consistently ("you need to calm down before we can
carry on")
Consequences: used very rarely (denied a story, or play opportunity)
Holding her and talking calmly: tried occasionally - she hates
this, and can't wait to get away (she's normally tactile)
Time spent with her alone: not often (1-2 times/week? siblings' needs
make this hard). Those times generally pass without incident and
happily.
We'd like to be consistent, but with greater confidence that we've chosen the best tactic. I'm certainly starting to doubt the wisdom of the time outs, but don't have any ideas about alternatives.
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You say you've tried time outs. I wonder if you've employed a systematic approach to this.
1-2-3 Magic is one of (if not the) most effective approaches to behavioral (self-) correction I've ever encountered. When applied correctly and consistently, it allows time outs to be applied without the parent losing their cool (very important, especially if younger siblings are observing) while it gives your daughter an opportunity to correct herself if she is able to before the time out, gaining some experience in self control and earning high praise for doing so. It was given to me (free back then) by our pediatrician, and I recommended it to all new parents.
While I agree with spending more time with your daughter to some degree, I think the behavior must improve first lest she make the connection that if she throws enough tantrums, she gets rewarded with more one-on-one time. Rather, I would use a star/sticker chart and keep significant chunks of one-on-one time (a trip to the frozen yoghurt shop, a movie, etc) as rewards for self-control. You can use other rewards as well - some of the things she values highly (others should be allowed regardless). But the star/sticker chart will give her something to reflect on when she both controls herself (and gains a star) and when she questions why she has not gotten something she wants.
It sounds like she might have been acting out at school as well? You don't state this explicitly. In any case, it does sound like a reaction to a new sibling. My oldest started biting when his brother was born, never before. It's common for kids to regress to some inappropriate behavior when a sibling arrives.
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