14 yr old lesbian/bi daughter wanting to have her girlfriend over. What to do?
My 14 year old daughter recently broke up with a boy she was dating for 7 months because she fell in love with a girl. I totally support her as I had a similar experience when I was in my 30's. My daughter and I have talked and I have told her how much my husband and I support her. Love is love and it's wonderful to have someone special in your life. We also know that adolescence is a time when teenagers are in flux about their identity and we don't want to hamper her in any way.
Being an adolescent, when she was dating her boyfriend we had limits in place, one being that he was not allowed in her bedroom. Recently, my daughter has asked to have her girlfriend over for a sleepover. My husband and I discussed this at length and decided that we would be creating a double standard if we allowed her to have her girlfriend over for a sleepover given that her boyfriend was never allowed to be in her bedroom. We have told her, however that her girlfriend is welcome in our home anytime, and while she's here, they can hang out in her bedroom if they want with the door open, however sleepovers aren't allowed for the reason described. I've also told her that just as she and her boyfriend would cuddle together on the couch and watch a movie, she and her girlfriend should follow their instincts and be themselves while in our house (ie there is no need to pretend that they are not dating).
My daughter has not taken this well. She feels that we are discriminating against her by not allowing the sleepover, however, I've tried to point out that in essence, if we allowed her girlfriend to sleepover, we would be discriminating against the boys. This is further complicated because I also have another teenage daughter who is heterosexual and I would be caught in the middle if I allowed one of their dates to sleepover and not the other ones.
Any advise or comments would be helpful. Maybe there's a better way to handle this without upsetting my daughter. Thank you
(4)4 Comments
Sorted by latest first Latest Oldest Best
If discriminating truly means that you are not allowing your teenagers to have sex in your house then I really think parents should be more 'discriminating'. Does your daughter think that because she is trying to have gay sex now everything changes?
NO!, children should not be having sex period, end of the story, the gayness or the straightness of the sex they are trying to have is completely and totally beside the point.
Children even if they pretend to know otherwise do not have the mental faculties to deal with sexual relationships, this hardly changes just because there is no threat of unwanted pregnancy.
Your ruling is consistent and sensible. Many teens don't appreciate good sense, they want what they want, regardless of what is in their best interest.
This is a great example of how parenting in the trenches of real life can be tough. I stand with you, knowing it will be hard. There may be no way to avoid upsetting her. It may take some years, but I would say your daughter will eventually respect this kind of love shown to her. Now if this sensible decision is given in a sea of inconsistency, your daughter will understandably be upset.
Your position on homosexuality is your decision, but please make sure your daughter is aware of what this means for her. Identifying with a vocal minority will have side effects and it would be unloving of you soften the societal blow she might suffer. Tell her to seek the whole truth before doing something that she might no be able to undo.
Have a similar situation with our 17 y. o. daughter. We've allowed supervised visits to her gf's house, since we've met the family and stay in contact with them. But just today we told our daughter our concerns about setting up a double standard for her younger sister and any potential bf's. The way in which you're handling your situation is spot on! We've told ours that the same rules apply to ANY significant other, regardless of gender. We've found that discussing our rules and the reasons behind our decisions has worked for the most part. And when they DO get upset about a decision, we just remind ourselves of the saying "if your making your kids mad once in awhile your doing something right" or something like that.
I think your approach is correct: dating is dating no matter the gender. You aren't discriminating, you are actually being completely fair.
Children use any edge they can to get you to bend the rules, this is likely one of those cases. Stick to your guns, you have life experience on your side.
Terms of Use Privacy policy Contact About Cancellation policy © freshhoot.com2025 All Rights reserved.