At what age should I tell my daughter that her real mother is dead?
Long story short: my first wife passed away while giving birth to my daughter. Two years later, I've remarried, but I am concerned over when should I tell my daughter the truth about her mother.
My daughter is now 3 years old, and she's calling my new wife "mom".
How can I deal with this situation without affecting negatively my daughter's health?
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Saying that your second wife if her real mom is a lie. You shouldn't ever lie to a children.
She was 2 year old as you remarried. It means, she can probably remember, that your wife weren't always with you, but in such a young age she doesn't do it very consciously. I suspect, her emotional binding to you is stronger, as to her mom.
What you can do instead: simply say her, what is this whole thing. She probably doesn't really understand, what is death. Maybe once you can explain her these, and also from God.
Of course, the only way to minimize her emotional stress about this would be the lie what the previous answers are suggesting. Instead, the true solution would be, as you explain things her from the death, explain also this to her.
Btw: the "real mom" is a bad terminology. Your current wife is also mom. There is no "real mom". Maybe you can differentiate them ny their given names.
Children are very adaptive, they can easily learn that they all will grow up, they will age and finally they will die. Comparing this to that her mother is dead... Be simple, clear and honest, as always.
If you are an atheist, your task is much harder.
The "real" mother in all cases is the one that invests the time, effort and love needed to nurture the child. The person that donates the DNA but has no other investment in the child is not the "real" mother. In this particular case, your wife died in childbirth, which is quite sad, and you have my condolences. I think you should tell your daughter about mom when she turns 18. But for now, you're only sowing the seeds for a rebellious relationship if you tell your child that the woman bringing her up is not her mother. I can imagine all sorts of angry statements "You're not my mom, you can't tell me what to do". That will cause resentment and bad feelings on both sides, and destroy a budding relationship.
Your second wife is your daughter's mom. She's all that your daughter has ever known. She's just 3 years old, and this stability (mom & you) is important to her. You don't have to be the biological mother to be a mom to a child.
We had some family skeletons that we disclosed to our daughter in part when she was about 12/13. At that point, she was old enough to understand complicated concepts and emotions. As she asks questions now, I answer them. But we never wanted her to feel that she was the cause of anything and young children have a tendency to do that because they view everything in their lives with themselves at the center.
It sounds like you are having some internal issues yourself with your daughter calling your wife 'mom'. You likely miss your first wife, and feel a bit conflicted about possibly 'losing her memory.' You won't, and these feelings are very natural. While you don't need to hide your first wife's existence, I don't think I would make the exact details of her death prominent.** Your child needs time to bond with her mom. I would definitely suggest that you talk to a professional counselor about this as soon as possible, though.
** What I mean is that it's perfectly ok to mention that you were married before and you loved your first wife, but she died. I don't think I'd bring up the 'she died in childbirth giving birth to you' at this point. Your first wife is part of your family even though she is gone. Your child just needs some time to gain enough maturity to understand the story and that it isn't her fault that her mother died and that her relationship with her current mom is normal and deep.
There is nothing wrong with saying that your current wife is her mom. You can tell her about her "real" mom when she is ready for that, as the other answerers here have also suggested. But note that the so-called "truth" is based on an oversimplified model of reality that we find convenient to work with, which isn't correct either.
Consider e.g. that my mom who gave birth to me is alive, but she obviously is not the same person today as she was at the time when she gave birth to me. So, when I refer to her as my mom that is strictly speaking wrong. Also, I'm not the baby she gave birth to. Strictly speaking that baby died a long time ago, as he gradually changed into me. A more correct model of reality would describe us as different persons in each instant of time. Clearly that's a convoluted and very counterintuitive way to describe personal relations. That's why we stick to our oversimplified model. If we are ok. with that then we should not object to giving small children an even more simplified version of reality that they can deal with.
I would suggest that for a very young child the concept of her natural mother not being around is a fairly distant one and not something which is going to be particularly disruptive to her current frame of reference ie it doesn't really change anything for her to know.
By extension as she gets older and starts to understand the concept of parents in a wider context it may be more upsetting or her to find out that her concept of her mother isn't quite what she imagines it to be.
With this in mind it is probably no bad thing to introduce the concept of having another mother right now. Indeed you may want to introduce her to some of the same memories you have of her yourself through photographs etc.
This may be a little awkward for you and your new relationship but it's not as if anybody involved has done anything wrong by any stretch of the imagination.
To put it another way it may be a bit complex for your 3 year old child to understand but at least if you bring it up it is out there to talk about. Otherwise if you keep it quiet how are you going to explain it when she is 16 or 18 ?
I would also steer clear of any overtly religious metaphors to explain death these tend not to be very helpful to young children and I think you owe it to them to let them form their own opinions on the fine detail of religion and metaphysics. By all means express your own beliefs and hopes but give her the space to come to her own conclusions.
It is also entirely reasonably that she should see your new wife as her mother as that is her only experience of motherhood .
Consider also that if you tell her the bald facts as you have posed them in this question how bad could it possibly be ? Nothing actually changes in her life and she is as aware of the facts as she can be.
It really depends on your perspective. When I was 8 my biological parents divorced and after some time they each found new wives. All four of my parents had significant parts to play in raising me, so I consider myself to have three moms, although I only call my biological mother "mom."
It's a good thing your daughter calls your second wife "mom." If your second wife is ok with being called "mom," then all is well.
I think you should consider telling your daughter sooner rather than later. Once she is old enough to understand the reality (and that's your judgement call), then you should sit her down and explain. If you wait until the situation arises organically ("mommy, did I kick a lot when I was in your tummy?"), then she may feel that she has been lied to, and nobody likes when that happens to them.
Absolutely tell her the truth as soon as possible, or it will make you a lier and her life a lie. At two you have a golden opportunity to have the situation seem natural. The longer you wait, the more it will seem like her situation has something tainted, which is why you would have chosen to wait so long.
Beofett definitely has the right approach. I think many others are giving bad advice.
Kid's understand about death. Tell her what a wonderful person her birth mother was. How beautiful she was. How much you miss her. And that you both love her current mom very much.
If you have any pictures, share them. What about the birth mother's family? Are they in the picture?
There may be tricky stuff going on here that has yet been unsaid.
Personally, I think you are getting great ideas here with stuff to think about, but they will be no substitute from a skilled child counselor. People study these sorts of things, what approaches have been used, and what the outcomes are. They know more than we might realize.
Contrary to how many view science, they will also know that one size does not fit all. I expect that before giving advice they will ask you a lot of questions about yourself, your daughter, her birth mother, her now mother, and details about the whole situation. They will give educated advice from there.
I wish you the best of luck. Remember, the most important thing in all of this is that your daughter know that you love her and her now mom and always do your best to care care of your current family.
I like the answer of Beofett and want to extend on it. My advise would be:
Let your daughter pick the right time.
What do I mean by that? The concept of a ceremonial burial is an important human achievement and helps to deal with the concept of death. By ceremonial burial I also mean for example ritualistic gatherings (for example en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Day_of_the_Dead) apart from the funeral. Of course maybe such things are not part of your culture. My advise would be (with such an important death in your family) to pick up such a ritualistic event in some way (you do not have to be religious do such thing). But first I will tell you about how I myself was raised to emphasis more on my perspective.
I happened to grew up in a big family (with lots of old people). So funeral as a child were quite a common event. Due to this exposure question about death will naturally appear. Note that for us as children I did also involve playtime with other cousins. So in retroperspective I cannot really separate them from other family events.
There was also the Totensonntag (Sunday of the dead en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Totensonntag). On that they my family normally went to the graveyard and talked about the dead members of our family. (I like the idea of such a generic event) On such a day your daughter would hear about her first mother (and your first wife). Depending on what is said and her age she would already understand or could decide to ask further questions. Or maybe she is to young and not interested, but would be at least exposed to the concept of death. All this will help to perceive death as something which is an inevitable part of life (we will all die on day). And also that it is normal to be sad about that someone has died.
So nowadays (as my wife and I are not religious), we would have a picnic or lunch (depending on the weather see also ) on such a day with other family members and visit the graveyard. We would including remembering the dead, but normally it we would not stick to it and conversation would evolve to the other family members life.
But maybe it is only you and daughter left with a connection to your first wife (and there is also no other funerals in your family) or other reason not to involve other family member. You could still take her to a trip to the graveyard..
(if you did not go yourself for a long time you maybe want to go first alone to be more secure about how strong your emotions are)
(if there is no grave I am sure you can come up with something similar (take a picture of your first wife with you))
..and do something there (bring flowers, have a picnic, draw some pictures). You do not really have to tell your daughter anything (It can be just some time for father and daughter), but do not hide if you are sad and if she ask questions be prepared. Also at some point you may or may not bring your new wife with you. If you do this regularly (for example every few months), I am sure it will help you (and your daughter) to make peace with the death of your first wife (and mother).
My biological father died when i was an infant, and my mom remarried before I knew any difference.
They told me about this when I was somewhere between 6 and 8 years old. I might even have started to suspect something, since my new dad is a very big man and so was my little brother, but I am a smaller guy (even at that age you can notice, and the adults who knew would not say "he's going to grow up tall like father", so I might have started to catch on).
I think this timing is perfect. I was old enough to deal with the idea, and my response even at that time was "this doesn't change anything between us".
I didn't know how exactly my father died until much later in life. The details are not important. So exclude anything about 'died in childbirth', it's enough to say she got sick when the baby was young and the hospital could not cure her. Keep it simple, avoid the details, and focus on warmth and love.
Your daughter needs a positive differentiating term for each of the two women. Much like you introduced the your name as either "Dad", "Father", "Papa", or "Daddy" to your daughter, she will need something like "Mom", "Mother", "Mommy" for the 2 women. Recommend emphasizing the endearment "Mom" for the second wife and "mother" for the original. Daughter is the product of 3 people, all who care(d) for her. Do not leave anyone out.
With that determined, proceed to explain family origins.
As one who grew up in a similar situation, (parent loss as a young child, re-marriage), best to simple talk about all 3 promptly and emphasize the unity of the families involved. Certainly the parents/relatives of the original mother and 2nd wife come into play too.
It sounds like the current wife is not an adoptive mother of the child - that has bearing.
Children are resilient, and are usually far more capable of dealing with the idea of death than we give them credit for.
There are two things I would avoid:
Referring to her birth mother as her "real" mom
and
Waiting too long before telling her
Your current wife is your daughter's mom. Period. But so was your first wife. Personally, I would take the approach of telling your daughter that she's got two moms. The one that she knows, and the one that died when she was a baby.
How many details, if any, that you provide beyond that depend on what questions your daughter asks, although I agree on the advice on being careful of telling her that your first wife died during childbirth.
If that does come up in her questions, you can be vague (e.g. "she became ill when she was pregnant") without being deliberately evasive.
It is, in my opinion, better to tell her now for two reasons. One reason is that the earlier you tell her, the more commonplace it will seem to her. If she's "always" (children remember very little, if anything, of episodic details from before they are 4 or 5) known that she had 2 mothers, and that one died when she was a baby, that will simply be a fact of how things are, rather than an unusual or potentially disturbing detail.
The other reason is that the longer you delay, the more she might question why you waited so long to tell her something so important.
Don't wait. Tell her now. I've always known that my bio dad was not in the picture. Knowing prevented that uncomfortable conversation from happening when I was old enough for it to cause resentment. There is no reason to hide it from her. If anything your new wife should want your daughter to know the truth up front. Honesty and openness is always the right choice.
A little about myself...
My Mom married my Dad when I was 5. At 12, she revealed to me that he wasn't my biological father. It was absolutely traumatic and devastating. It felt like my life was a lie. It felt like I was a lie, a fake, a sham of a person.
No young person should ever have to feel this way. If you tell your child the truth now, while they're young enough for this to be their normal, they won't even bat an eye. They'll accept it for precisely what is and not give it much of a second thought. Do your kid the favor and be honest about who they are sooner rather than later.
That said, it's completely okay for your child to call your current wife Mom. She is their Mom. My biological father is not my Dad, the man who raised me is. A bit different for your child, they simply have two Mom's. Not a big deal at all. My step children know very well and are very comfortable with the fact that they have two pairs of parents. Mostly because that just is their life, it's normal for them.
I would suggest that the first step is to talk to your wife about what kind of relationship she wants with your daughter. If she wants to be mom, then you might even consider deferring to her wishes on how to handle this question, since going forward, she is going to be fulfilling all the mothering roles for your daughter.
You tell her when the opportunity arises naturally.
For example, your daughter may see a pregnant woman, or you and your wife may be planning on having children together. When this occurs, your daughter will almost certainly ask a question like, "Did I grow in your tummy too, mommy?" At that point you or your wife simply say, in a matter-of-fact way, "No, you grew in another mommy's tummy."
And then you let your daughter guide the conversation.
If you treat it as something matter-of-fact and don't make a big production of sitting down and telling her, then she will also treat it as matter-of-fact. She may have more questions immediately or she may not.
Eventually, she will ask, "Why did I grow in another mommy's tummy?" or "Then why is mommy my mommy instead of the other mommy?" or a similar question. You respond with a matter of fact answer: "When you were born, you had another mommy, but she wasn't able to take care of you." And continue to let her guide the conversation.
When she asks, "Why wasn't my other mommy able to take care of me?" then explain that.
This way the conversation grows and evolves naturally, and there's no implication that your wife isn't your daughter's "real" mother. If she asks about whether she had another daddy too, then you simply tell her, "No, daddy has always been your daddy," and answer any questions that may come out of that as well ("Why did I have another mommy but not another daddy?").
A few notes about this approach:
Make certain your wife is in agreement, because she will likely be the one to be asked about it first (and she will likely be asked most of the questions, since it's about her role in your daughter's life).
The keys to this approach are to answer question immediately, truthfully, age-appropriately, and in a matter-of-fact manner. An example of this is the reply we gave our sons when they asked about where babies came from at age 3; with our older son, these questions were spaced out, but with the younger the two questions came back-to-back. Notice that these answers are both age-appropriate and truthful--they don't contradict anything learned later about human development:
The first answer was, "Babies grow inside mommies until they're born."
When they asked how babies got there, the reply was: "When a mommy and a daddy love each other very much and in a very special way, sometimes a baby starts to grow inside the mommy."
Don't give all the information at once. Let your daughter guide the conversation. I.e., at age 3 or 4, she will probably not immediately take the conversation to the point that you would need to tell her that your first wife died, especially during childbirth. When she's ready for that information, she'll ask questions that will naturally and easily lead you into discussing it.
Fortunately, this isn't a topic we've had to grapple with, but this is an approach we've used successfully to discuss many things with our children over the years, including the ever-dreaded, "Where do babies come from?"
I think you should tell her about this while she is studying in 4th or 5th class. This is because at this age we can manage to control the emotions of the daughter without much issues.
I cannot really give first-hand advice, never having been in a similar situation. However, I would think the basic approach should be the same as for an adopted child. Basically:
don't push information on the child she is not ready to handle, but
don't make it a secret either
There are multiple questions about how to handle adoption on this site, for example When is the right time to tell my daughter she's not my biological child? and How and when should I tell my son that his amazing father isn't his biological father?.
Of course, the situation is not quite the same. Possible complications include:
Your daughter, once she understands the concept of death, may worry that you will also die soon.
She might have a lot of questions about her biological mother that you are unable or find uncomfortable to answer.
She might feel responsible for her mother's death, particularly if her mother died from birth complications. You might consider not telling all details right away on this point. Thanks to JoeTaxpayer for mentioning this.
If you run into problems, consider getting assistance from a counselor, or a self-help group for widowers / orphans.
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