My pre-schooler is out of control, and I feel like my parents are undermining my relationship and authority with her
Alright, I guess a little back story would help. I am a single mother and an only child, I will be 21 in a few months. I've graduated high school with honors and have been raising my daughter on my own since her birth. We do live with my parents still, but I blame the economy.
My daughter will be 4 in less than 2 weeks.
We rarely had problems when she was little... But as soon as 3 got close, it became a battle ground.
I do it all, I work from home, provide her with her wants and needs, etc, Dad does NOTHING. I feel horrible for admitting this, but I feel like her and I are starting to grow apart.
We fight non stop, time outs aren't allowed because my parents think they are ridiculous, she back talks, hits, harasses people, she acts out on a whim, she throws tantrums all the time, I can't get her to eat any form of real food... I am at my wits end.
She goes to my mom and dad if I yell at her or if I say "No." Then I get in trouble. But that's not the point.
Everyone sees her as being some sweet and darling child, unless I am with her. Then she becomes a rude and obnoxious little brat. I didn't used to be this way... I am considering therapy because I have reached the point where I am angry and frustrated all the time. Oh yeah, she's spoiled... by EVERYONE.
This may sound like a jumbled up mess, but I haven't slept. She has night terrors and has had them since a newborn. She co sleeps with my mom now because I used to work 3rd shift and I'm still on a night life schedule.
If I had to make one statement to explain how I feel, it would be "I feel unloved and rejected. I wouldn't go back and erase her by any means, but I wish we could grow up as sisters. They're supposed to fight and harass one another until they both run screaming to their rooms.
My friends have seen this, counselors have spent days with us. Everyone suggests we move out. But with what money? Bills and the car and school eat it all. I look for dance lessons and stuff for her to take to get her out of the house. Preschool is when this started... I don't want to lose her, but I don't think this can be repaired.
I am at a loss and I am wondering if any of this is normal?
I know living with my parents doesn't help, but trust me, we are trying. I pay rent and cover our expenses.
Please give me some advice, I don't want her to hate me like my mother and I hate one another.
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As a father of a young girl only slightly older than yours, I can assure you, all the behavior you've described is perfectly normal. She is doing exactly what a child of her age should be doing. It's a very challenging age. She is a little person with her own personality, her own will, and her own opinions, and this is just how she is attempting to express that.
You need to lose the idea that things are supposed to be easier, or that your relationship with her should be a particular way. Being a parent is just hard work, and it's certainly not always enjoyable.
Just a couple of things that I will say. Don't be in too big of a hurry to move out. You may think it will make things easier, but I can guarantee that it won't. Your parents are probably doing a hundred little things every day to help out, that you may not even be aware of. However hard it is being a parent, it's going to be a thousand times harder doing it on your own.
The nature of your relationship with your parents is very normal for this stage in your life. Everyone goes through this. It's just that much more challenging because you're trying to deal with it at the same time as raising a child.
Something that might be worth remembering. Your parents aren't completely clueless when it comes to child raising. They actually have a lot more experience with this than you do. Their opinions are worth listening to. You are the way you are because of how they raised you.
You don't hate your mum. Really, you don't...
Also, the following statement ... "I don't want to lose her, but I don't think this can be repaired".
What??? This statement makes no sense when you're talking about your child. This is for keeps. You can be a good mother, or a bad mother, but you can't stop being her mother.
Just to clarify this bit...
"I used to work 3rd shift and I'm still on a night life schedule"
So you aren't still working late shift? You've just got into a bad habit of staying up late? If so, be a bit disciplined, and try to fix this. If anyone is co-sleeping with your daughter, it should be you. Co-sleeping can help tremendously to build intimacy and trust with a child.
This statement I find very sad...
"Then she becomes a rude and obnoxious little brat"
Don't disrespect your child... Just don't...
She's not rude, obnoxious, or a brat. She's just being a 3 year old, and you love her with every fiber of your being. She is the reason you exist... Just keep telling yourself this, and you'll be fine.
First off, your interaction with your toddler is totally common (I would say it's borderline universal, actually). Toddlers that age love to push boundaries.
I would say two things - the first is, don't sweat it so much. If your kid only eats crap, let it happen. They're seriously not going to be a 20 year old who only eats chicken nuggets. Hitting and being mean to others is bad, so I would focus my energy there. If you're fighting all the time, then try to find things that you can let slide (and really let them slide in your own mind - don't just ignore them and let them fester internally). You'll feel better by fighting less and really, your kid is going to be fine if you let minor things go.
The second thing is that the biggest problem here is your parents. I think a lot of grandparents don't like to say "no", which is fine if the kid only sees them every once in a while. But when it's every day like with you, that's a problem.
I suggest telling your parents that under no circumstances can they undermine you. And if they're not comfortable telling the kid "no", that they should just give the "ask mommy" response. That way they get off without needing to confront the kid - which they're obviously uncomfortable doing - and you get to be the authority.
A quick story to (hopefully) make you feel better - my wife and I are almost always on the same page with our daughter (who's about your daughter's age). But my daughter always asks both of us when she wants to do something and she gets an answer she doesn't like from one. It has basically never worked for her but she does it anyway on the off chance that one of us slips up. Now that's a kid who's been getting essentially non-conflicting answers from authority figures. Imagine what a kid does when "shopping around" for an answer works to her advantage? Your parents need to stop that nonsense ASAP.
It seems that moving out isn't realistic (though that would be your best lever), nor is relying on the father of the child (You didn't mention, does he pay child support?)
You need to have a long long talk with your father.
Unless your dad has an objective reason to be afraid (he's penniless and jobless and your mom would divorce him for speaking up; or he just cheated on her and afraid of divorce), he BETTER get his brain into the right place and stand up to her on this.
Show him this whole post and answers and comments, it may help him see the light. Bring HIM to therapy with you without your weird mother. Explain to him that you're in serious risk RIGHT NOW (being a mom with depression isn't a safe thing, for a mother OR a child). Beg. Cajole. Praise. Remind him that you love him and need him as the only real parent you have. He needs to understand just how bad the situation is.
He has access to family money. He can threaten your mother that he will pay for your moving out. He can do a LOT of other things to help you gain leverage.
Also, while it MAY be a bad idea, getting into serious confrontation with your mother may be an option. ONLY if you are 100% sure that she really - underneath that whole thing - ultimately truly cares about your and your daughter's wellbeing.
Flat out tell her: you can't afford good place to live. But if she doesn't stop, you WILL leave the house, and if need be live in dangerous projects or on the street. If need be you will take up dangerous sources of income. She needs to choose whether she wants that as opposed to backing off. Of course, as with any blackmail, you have to be prepared to call her bluff if she does bluff.
On a separate note, find a friend. Someone you can talk to. Online. Better yet, realtime.
May be someone with a small kid, ideally, so you can visit.
All of the above are good answers and have a lot of helpful suggestions. Just wanted to mention one thing that often gets neglected by parents (I forgot about it until I mentioned your story to my wife):
Children often act up in order to get time and attention from their parents. If a child feels he/she is not getting enough "good" attention, they will settle for "bad" attention.
I'm not saying this is your case, but it is possible that your child doesn't feel like she's getting enough time with you. This could be the case if you're working a lot or simply are too distracted with other big issues (easily understandable in your situation).
The TV "Super Nanny" often mentioned this, with her suggestion being to "schedule" an amount of guaranteed "you and her only" time with your child. Simply spending more time overall might help, but she suggested telling your child, "Every day at X o'clock will be an hour for only you and me, no one else." and of course following through.
I don't know if this is your situation or if it will help, but putting it out there just in case.
Sounds like you're doing the best you can with a bad situation. Do hang in there, get help where you can, keep working hard and don't get discouraged. As mentioned by the other folks above, 3 is a tough age and it does get easier.
There are a lot of good answers here. I just want to add one thing that you can do straight away that might make your situation a tiny bit more bearable.
Before entering the house when coming home from work, or before getting up in the morning, anytime just before you will position yourself in a situation that likely will result in tantrums and/or fighting, take a couple of slow breaths and remind yourself to really try to stay calm and positive. It might make it much easier for you not to lose your own temper, and that in turn will result in more positive reactions back to you from both your daughter and your parents.
I have read a lot of the replies, and I haven't seen anyone be in a similar situation with the parents. I hopefully will be able to shed some light on that part.
Very long story as short as I can make it: Before we met, my wife had always lived with her parents due to her parents health issues. We moved back in with them in April 2008 due to my mother-in-laws declining health so we could help with the daily home healthcare / primary caregiver regiment (I was 39 at the time, my wife was 34 at the time). We were blessed with our daughter being born in December 2009 (both families have a history of fertility issues, so we thought we wouldn't be able to have children). My mother-in-laws health continued to decline until her passing in August 2011, at which time my father-in-law moved out of state (to get away from the memories).
The living situation with our in-laws and my daughter lasted from her birth until she was slightly more than 1.5 years old. My in-laws wouldn't let our daughter cry anything out, or if she acted out they wouldn't correct her or want anyone else to correct her. At the time, I can definitely tell you that I felt that the way that you describe: like it was undermining my relationship with my daughter. I realize that my daughter at the time was younger than your daughter is now, but I would bet that it is the same kind of feeling.
Just like you, I was trying to find a financial solution that would let us move out but in our case it was to be able to afford our own place and still be able to pay for my in-laws housing (as both were too sick to work) and provide home healthcare. Unfortunately, my wife and I never could find that solution.
As other parents have stated, your daughter's behavior sounds spot-on from our experience (our daughter turned 4 in December 2013). I am not trying to excuse away your parent's behavior or your daughter's behavior. I know how frustrating both sets can be; you probably feel like you are getting it from all sides and you don't have any "escape" as you all live in the same house.
In time, especially this past holiday season I have come to realize that my in-laws were doing the best they could try to balance the way they parented their kids with my and my wife's style. Sometimes that didn't work and we were all frustrated, sometimes it did work but we were too tired to realize that it was working.
I hope that reading the experiences of someone else who lived with parents/in-laws helps you understand that you are not alone in feeling the way you are feeling.
The whole point is your mother and father seem to be trying to control how you raise the child. They are grandparents and as tough as it may be, maybe getting space from them will help you and your little girl. Mom seems to be undermining you. If this is so, then you do not need to take it lying down. You are the only child. That is their only granddaughter. Time to get to ultimatums if your "NO" is undermined.
"Mom, I do not think it is helpful if you tell her yes when I say "no." Is it?"
"Mom, would you like it if I went to dad behind your back and he said "yes" when you said "no"?
This is fixable. Control is about that. And this is a big issue in this household. Do not put up with it. It WILL harm the learning curve of your little girl. Move out is my advice. Do not ask for help from anyone but your mates. Do not leave a forwarding address. It is called tough love. You need to apply to both your girl and your parents.
Mom and Dad no doubt helped you lots and see it as their house their rules. But not when it conflicts with what YOU want for YOUR daughter. Get a roommate who is sensible. Get help vetting them from a trusted mate, aunt, grandmother. They need to talk to you as to why they do this. Maybe they are disappointed, maybe as above "their house their rules." Easy answer.
Read picture books to her and sing whenever you get the opportunity.
Sing together if you can. Children don't care if you you're tone deaf or can't really sing...they just like the sound of your voice, maybe seeing you make a fool of your self, or they might sing with you.
She will come to LOVE the sound of your voice.
And when she rests her head on your chest to hear ther source of that voice, she will know and LOVE your heartbeat.
She will soon be out of your mums bed and into yours.
Maybe stop defying your parents and your child will stop following your actions. Children develop on what they see happening around them. If you are defying your parents and fighting in front of your child then this behaviour can be expected.
How you treat your mother is exactly how your child will learn to treat you
If this is how things are, accept that you're going to be living with your mum and dad for quite a bit longer and make the best of it.
Organise something fun out of the house to do with the entire family. A little walk in the park, anything, nothing stressful or fancy, the simpler the better. At a time when everybody can join without being stressed, say for an hour or so in the weekend.
Think very carefully ahead about the trip. Make it as likely as possible to succeed. So make sure she's had her nap if she still needs it, that you've got something with you that she likes to eat and drink, that you have wet wipes or some cloth in case of smudgy accidents. Bring the buggy if it's a bit far for her to toddle all the way. Etc etc. Maybe bring a favorite toy along, or a coloring book if you're going to have a drink at the end. Maybe bring a little present for her to unwrap.
Think about your mum too, try to think of something she too will enjoy. Maybe you can think of something she likes that you can bring along. Piece of chocolate for all to share but that she especially likes, I don't know. Again something simple.
Don't tell them ahead of time where you're going, the trip's likely to get taken over by mum then. Just ask if they can keep the time free to join you. Cause the point is, you'll be planning the trip, and you're bringing the stuff. If your child throws a tantrum, you'll try and fix it and you'll have brought the goods to do so.
Don't try to do too fancy a job of parenting exactly then, it's supposed to be fun. But if she's going to get spoiled, you're going to do the spoiling. In short, everybody is happy, and you're in the role where you'd like to be, the parent.
Oh and try not to get into arguments with your mum. If she's being impossible, handle it just like you would the little girl: distract, bribe, apply a sense of humor. And just smile and count to ten. ;-)
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