My pre-schooler is out of control, and I feel like my parents are undermining my relationship and authority with her
Alright, I guess a little back story would help. I am a single mother and an only child, I will be 21 in a few months. I've graduated high school with honors and have been raising my daughter on my own since her birth. We do live with my parents still, but I blame the economy.
My daughter will be 4 in less than 2 weeks.
We rarely had problems when she was little... But as soon as 3 got close, it became a battle ground.
I do it all, I work from home, provide her with her wants and needs, etc, Dad does NOTHING. I feel horrible for admitting this, but I feel like her and I are starting to grow apart.
We fight non stop, time outs aren't allowed because my parents think they are ridiculous, she back talks, hits, harasses people, she acts out on a whim, she throws tantrums all the time, I can't get her to eat any form of real food... I am at my wits end.
She goes to my mom and dad if I yell at her or if I say "No." Then I get in trouble. But that's not the point.
Everyone sees her as being some sweet and darling child, unless I am with her. Then she becomes a rude and obnoxious little brat. I didn't used to be this way... I am considering therapy because I have reached the point where I am angry and frustrated all the time. Oh yeah, she's spoiled... by EVERYONE.
This may sound like a jumbled up mess, but I haven't slept. She has night terrors and has had them since a newborn. She co sleeps with my mom now because I used to work 3rd shift and I'm still on a night life schedule.
If I had to make one statement to explain how I feel, it would be "I feel unloved and rejected. I wouldn't go back and erase her by any means, but I wish we could grow up as sisters. They're supposed to fight and harass one another until they both run screaming to their rooms.
My friends have seen this, counselors have spent days with us. Everyone suggests we move out. But with what money? Bills and the car and school eat it all. I look for dance lessons and stuff for her to take to get her out of the house. Preschool is when this started... I don't want to lose her, but I don't think this can be repaired.
I am at a loss and I am wondering if any of this is normal?
I know living with my parents doesn't help, but trust me, we are trying. I pay rent and cover our expenses.
Please give me some advice, I don't want her to hate me like my mother and I hate one another.
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Your Mom thinks she loves you but she needs to win! She treats it like a contest. She has many hidden ways of manipulating you and she is hitting you, too. Now she is winning the contest of being a parent to your daughter. All in the name of love, because she doesn't see that the goal of raising a child is to raise an independent strong person.
You think this is a safe environment for your daughter but it is NOT! Your Mom has already manipulated you into saying that you wish your daughter could be your sister. This is horrible. You need to get out of the house.
Your daughter is most important here. Hit up a friend for a loan if you can't do it any other way and you need the money. Be that horrible person who does that. Your daughter is most important here. That your Mom not turn you into a crippled bitter helpless person is next. But promise that in turn you will follow all the advice on this website to raise your daughter lovingly to be an independent strong person. This is the time to make sacrifices to start this process
When you have been out of the house for a while your mother will learn to think of you differently. Then you can be friends. So don't be mean to her or burn your bridges.
Remember that you love your daughter but raising a kid is hard. You can't "react naturally" like you would to friend because she is a child. You have to think first. And you train yourself to react differently, not to get mad when she does things wrong, because she doesn't have the brain yet to do them right. But the joys are amazing!
A lot of sensible advice has already been given here. Here are some additional two cents from me:
You need to move out, or confront your own parents. Put them in therapy if need be.
The trouble with parents is that their children never grow up in their eyes, and the parents always think to be smarter and wiser. They also love to keep the same authority over you that they enjoyed when you were a toddler. So my own experience with my parents is that they need a good dose of tough "childing" (the inverse of tough "parenting"): they need to understand that you've grown up, live your own life, and make your own decisions (good or bad). Parents have a tough time adjusting to their children growing up.
In short, you need to ramp up your authority wrt to your parents. This is a useful fight that you could pick.
Your child needs (more) limits. The trouble with kids (and humans, more generally) is that they love to push boundaries. And kids are excellent (intuitively, of course, but still excellent) at power play. They will emotionally blackmail you out of anything they desire. In this sense imposing children with artificial boundaries from earliest possible age is useful. Otherwise they can quickly get spoiled, and assume that they're entitled to much more than they actually are.
But as others noted, pick your fights wisely: decide for yourself what is (1) absolutely unacceptable and (2) oh well, who cares?. Regarding (2), kids do need a space where they can do stupid things; this will eat up their energy, and they will be less interested in doing (1).
It is also important to clearly separate punishments from day-to-day business as usual. In the sense that you shouldn't keep grudges from punishments and perpetuate them in day-to-day routine. But punishments for absolutely unacceptable incidents should be swift and automatic; kids need to associate the incident with the punishment, and have a hearty desire to avoid the punishment.
Hope this helps.
Thanks for sharing, it shows great courage, and it is always conforting for me to see I am not the only one having such a hard time with my girls.
I am going a bit in reverse here, but if your kid is fine when you are not around, then you're doing a fine job as a mother.
As you are describing things, you are the only one setting the rules, and when you are not around she sticks to them. Congratulations ! She knows you are the one in charge.
One can always expect to have their children behave more poorly when they are around. At least that's what we say from where I'm from.
That poorly may not be common, but you are not in a common situation either.
However, I quote "but I wish we could grow up as sisters."
As for me, I am the mother and the mom. However, I am not the sister. Maybe we can be friends when they grow up.
I do have my issues with my parents, and I still unsuccessfully try to teach them I am an adult and that my girls are my kids and not my sisters and that I do not want them to redeem the terrible education I had on them.
Maybe you can see some common grounds here. I've spent some years in therapy, and for me, it is rather important that generations stick to their role (which can change depending on your culture...).
As for the diet, what she eats seems actually pretty healthy. I mean, all by herself she is not eating only the candies, chocolates, gums.... I am sure your mother would generously provide. Good job on your part !
I wish you well.
My 5 year old steak-and-pasta-calamity is now slowly transitioning into a child. The Kindergarten effect ? I hope it will turn out the same for you.
And I will laugh very loud when she turns vegetarian at 15.
Take care
You come across as someone who is trying very much to do your best. You have the instincts of a good parent, I think. I suspect that your fears about your relationship with your daughter will subside once you are both able to move away from the difficult situation you find yourself in.
Until you are able to move out, however, you need coping strategies.
Others have written good advice:
- Your daughter's pushing the boundaries is normal,
- Plan time with just your daughter and you, away from the home environment,
- Don't sweat the small stuff, focus on behavour and not attitude,
- Unless your daughter is losing weight or nobviously not growing properly don't get too stressed about her diet. I have a friend whose 13 yo daughter eats mostly white bread, chicken, pasta and supplements: she's approaching 5ft 10" and has already got a fine figure.
I'd also want to add:
- Use positive re-enforcement (praise) as much or more than negative,
- Pick your battles and work on your daughter's most important behaviours first.
Someone mentioned reframing. You can use re-framing strategies with your daughter too, in the context of the behaviours you find really difficult. When she does something good, praise her, and when she does something you find challenging, make it your first response to say what she actually did that was a problem (avoid making an issue of her attitude) - explain how it makes you feel and why her behaviour is not appropriate - this before you escalate to time-outs or the naughty step etc...
I suspect you could usefully do with some space and time of your own. You need to look after yourself (put on your own oxygen mask first, someone said) because otherwise you will become totally drained. Make sure you eat, excercise and sleep as well as you possibly can, and seek sources of emotional support outside your home - whether this be friends (true friends would never seriously describe your daughter as a 'cock block' - this may be one of those times in life you find out who your true friends really are) other relatives, or someone else you can open up to such as a pastor, or councillor - but first make sure they will listen to you without judgement and not preach to you. Here in the UK we have an organisation called the Samaritans - you can phone them for free and they will listen to you and use questioning skills to help you draw out your own answers. Even if there is no-one local do you have frinds who live away you could skype? I would also suggest learning how to meditate - whatever faith or otherwise you have. It's very useful for de-stressing and letting both your real feelings and fresh insights come to the surface. I'm agnostic and I find meditation very useful. If you are a Christian and thus inclined to dismiss meditation, be assured that there is a Christian tradition (see The Cloud of Unknowing and The Practise of the Presence of God). In the context of your situation, meditation has practical value - you need to find some strength, some objectivity and some clarity.
There are three key relationships here: you and your daughter, you and your mother and your mother and your daughter. You can only affect the third relationship if you first sort out the two relationships involving you. From what you describe, your mother is very much the dominant figure in your household and it seems to me that it is your relationship with her that needs the most work. If your relationship with your Mom was a good one, I suspect the other issues would get fixed, so here is where you need to put in most work. Now, you are only responsible for 50% of this relationship, so you can't solve it on your own - you can only be consistent. The person who wrote about the way you frame potentially confrontational conversations with your Mom gave good advice. Say what you need to say, but do it in a way that seeks to turn down the emotional temperature.
I think you need to take some time to work out your relationship with your mom. Do you really hate her? (ignore the 'relationship police' that say that you shouldn't btw - your feelings are not 'wrong': it is only how we behave that our peers can judge us by, not how we feel). If you hate her, do you love her at the same time? Do you understand what leads her to treat you the way she does? Can you empathise with her at all? Sometimes I find understanding another persons' journey / motivation helps me in managing my own emotional response when in conflict with them. In any case this reflection may help you deal more constructively with your Mom and may create the situation where you can get you own perspective across without incurring her anger.
It seems you may have a potential ally with your Dad - have you tried to have a private conversation with him about the two situations - you and your Mom and you and your daughter - I would start by asking him how he feels - try and get his perspective, then you can get yours across. You may need to do more listening than talking. You might find he's willing to co-operate once he understands your perspective.
I realise that the above advice is easy to give, but difficult to live out.
One final question - is your daughter's father around at all? I'm assuming not since you haven't mentioned him. He should bear some financial responsibility for her upbringing, if nothing else...
I do hope you break through and can change your situation.
With my very best wishes...
I have a four year old daughter (4 and 1/4), and I am separated from her mother. I have my daughter almost 50%.
The behaviour you describe sounds like normal pre-schooler behaviour.
The thing to keep in mind is, she doesn't realise they anxiety she is causing you, she's an innocent little thing... to her it's just play. There's no malice in what she is doing. It will be not until much later that she will be able to develop proper adult empathy. She is incapable of intending to harm you.
My daughter has tantrums not infrequently... especially when she has been come from her mother's place to stay with me. Her mother is much stricter with her and controlling. When my daughter first arrives at my place, it is like she has forgotten how to relate to me... she will act out and push the boundaries.
However, the way I respond is an attitude of "I don't care if you cry and carry on. It's bad for you if you do that, but it's not bad for me." But all the while I smile and talk in a calm voice. I am careful not to withhold love just because of my child's behaviour.
Often, behind the tantrum, there is something reasonable that she wants, something that is reasonable for her to ask of me. And she is frustrated because she believes herself to be reasonable, a good girl, and finds that I am simply refusing to understand her. You must understand that this is frustrating for children. I try to represent to my child that I'm willing to cooperate and find a good solution... I'm willing to listen, but she has to help herself by calming down. "Listen to my voice... my voice is calm..." Sometimes they perceive that you are simply trying to control them for the sake of it... they resent that.
Four years old is a really interesting time... they are really developing their personality.... it's good to give them the sense that whatever they do, they will be loved. This does not mean that they get whatever they want. But often, what they want is not what they say they want.... and if you guide them towards what they really want they will appreciate it. It's good to show your own positive personality, it really helps them when you show that you'll stay positive and loving even difficult things are happening. Show her how you can assert yourself in a positive way. In one sense, she is play fighting. This is how you teach your child positive self assertion... by play fighting in a positive way.
As for your parents... yes, you need to move out. The fact is, you are living in their house on their terms. You can't control what they say and do... From their point of view, having you live there with your child somewhat obligates them to be involved. It really is impossible for you to live there and not have them being involved as they are. Of course, stay on good terms with them and visit them often.
In terms of feeling angry all the time. I would suggest that nothing can make you angry. It is only your perception of the situation that frustrates you. You are old enough now to observe your own thoughts and to adjust them... change your attitude to suit how you want to feel. When someone is in a good mood, tickling will inspire laughter, but if they are in a bad mood, tickling will cause them to guard their body.... this is how a person's frame of mind affect the perception of a situation.
If you have developed a habit of feeling angry and frustrated, understand that it will take you a long time to change your habit. Perhaps not long time, but it certainly won't be instantaneous. Don't spend your whole life being angry! It's worth developing the habit of seeing the positive side of things... you will begin to see opportunities everywhere!
Start by being kind to yourself as a parent. You've done an amazing job, becoming a mother at 16 is extremely hard. You graduated with honours, that's an achievement. If you get angry at your child or feel like you can't cope, don't be hard on yourself. Be patient with yourself, congratulate yourself on your efforts thus far. Understand that each passing moment is only temporary.
Don't feel angry if others are spoiling your child. Instead be happy. If people are spoiling her, that's bad for them. Trust in the power of your own positive attitude. You will begin to see the small steps of improvement that you can take. Do not concern yourself with things that you cannot change, be happy to change what you can. Believe in yourself... look after yourself and be the person who you really are. You won't be like anyone else, but that's ok. By giving all of yourself, it will make you the ideal mother.
Soon your child will be in school. Make the most of the next year, enjoy the pleasure of being a mother... sometimes it feels like hell, but those are just feelings!
How much time per day are you actively parenting your child? How much time are your parents actively parenting your child?
The reason everyone suggests you move out is to force you to actively parent your child for more hours per day.
I doubt your parents are actively trying to undermine your authority. Your authority is being undermined as a symptom of your lack of time with your child. It may be that most of her waking hours are spent with other caregivers - in which case she is very likely to having a stronger relationship with them than with you.
Take back your time if you want to take back your authority. Change your schedule so she spends the most time with you and not others, and most of the problems described will be better.
Of course this comes at a very high cost for you in terms of your own convenience and comfort, but in addition to setting rules with your parents and the other suggestions here, the change that will make the biggest impact is simply the amount of time you spend with your daughter every single day.
That sounds exactly like my 5 year old and my family. Don't worry about what anyone says, you need to be strict. Your parents and anyone else spectating should get something else to do when you are helping YOUR child.
Don't be mad at them for trying to help but ONE authority is all your child needs. Don't worry you will NEVER lose the battle ... your child will always be YOUR child and she will love you just the same reprimanded or not. DON'T GIVE UP.
Explain to your parents what you want their role to be. IF they don't agree it is their problem ... be firm hold your ground. Time outs are simply a way to get the child to sit down and think of what they are doing. Sometimes I sit and stare at my child and ask what is wrong to get his side... this often lets him get his way without actually getting his way.
Your daughter doesn't see you as an authority figure. You're not mom, you're like a big sister. Your parents are the boss.
Maybe you're staying with your parents because your financial situation doesnt allow you to do any better. Screw the therapy. Your parents are going to do what they're going to do because it's THEIR home. You can't change that.
You CAN go apply for some welfare and get out. Or get some job training. And I promise you, the longer you wait to get the heck out of there, the worse it will be for your relationship with your child. It will become even worse when your child starts to get her own friends and maybe you approve of some but your parents disapprove (or vice versa). Or you have rules for homework and your parents wish to do the opposite. In short, the more structure that you try to place for raising your kids, the more opportunities there will be for your parents to try to do the opposite, just out of their own preference. It will confuse the heck out of your child in the long run. You will argue much. And maybe, if you're not careful, your child won't respect YOU or THEM.
My 21 year old daughter is in this situation RIGHT NOW with a mother who never decided to leave the nest, and her big bad boss of a grandmother.
Keep it movin'!
She goes to my mom and dad if I yell at her or if I say "No." Then I get in trouble. But that's not the point.
Actually, that is the point.
Especially considering:
I don't want her to hate me like my mother and I hate one another
It sounds like your parents aren't letting you be your daughter's parent. This is a major problem.
You need to sit down and talk with your parents, and establish what your various roles are. Explain that you are your daughter's mother, and that their actions are preventing you from having any sort of authority with your own daughter, and that it is causing problems with the relationship between the two of you.
Describe the behavior issues you're seeing, and tell them that you feel like whenever you do anything to improve the situation, your daughter goes to your parents, and they take her side, effectively preventing you from acting like a parent.
This may or may not be a productive conversation, depending on your parents' perspective, but the calmer you are, and the more you can avoid sounding accusatory, the better your chances of getting a positive discussion going.
If it doesn't go well, ask them if they'd be willing to go to family therapy with you.
Before this conversation, you may want to crunch some numbers. Look at rent costs for cheap housing, come up with some budgets, and look for alternatives for preschool or daycare (since your daughter is not yet 4, I'm assuming she isn't in mandatory public schooling yet). The goal is to see if you can set an ultimatum of moving into an alternative situation, if the conversation with your parents is ultimately not productive. Don't mention this unless it is clear that they are absolutely unwilling to compromise.
Getting yourself and your daughter into a different living situation, even if you have to sacrifice a LOT, may be your best alternative, if your parents are dead-set on ignoring your role as a parent.
As for your relationship with your daughter, it may be hard to find the time, but try to set aside an hour a day to do whatever your daughter wants (within reason) as "Mommy-Daughter time". If you let her have general control of these play sessions (again, within reason), it may eliminate her feeling the need to create conflict with you. Ideally, the two of you will actually have fun. However, it sounds like "just not fighting" would be an improvement, and may help you feel like you're not constantly fighting and harassing each other.
It may not sound like much, but it can be a start.
From my experience... children learn from their parents, this also means they do things like copy our mannerisms, behaviour, attitudes, expressions and so on. If you hate your mom, it may be wise to observe, pay attention, and become aware of your thoughts, actions, expression and behaviour. Your daughter is probably copying your behaviour, attitude and how you treat your mom.
If I would have acted like that, my parents would have given me a good spanking. Children may seem to be uncontrollable, but if their tantrums cause them pain they will learn.
I realise this will kill the love at first, but it will come back later when the kid learns how nice you are when it's well-behaved.
Also, to the commenter who said that you should indulge in its eating habits: don't. Contrary to what that commenter says, people mostly stick with the eating habits from their youth. There are a lot of reasons why you want to cultivate a varied diet in your kid, like: better health, people with varied diets tend to enjoy food more, they will be less of a pain in the ass when they grow up and they get in social situations where they have to cook together with others. Actually, in the last situation isn't good for the person self either: I know people like that and they themselves too really hate having to argue over food all the time.
And don't let your parents spoil your kid. Go to the gym, bulk up, and just (threaten to) use violence to get them to comply. Kids and grandparents naturally conspire, so this is an excellent example of why you shouldn't get kids when you cannot stand on your own, but what's done is done. Can't get your parents to comply? Move out. If you cannot afford it any more, drop out of school and get some stupid job. Your kid is more important than you, for it will be around long after you're dead and buried.
Get her out of the bad pre-school NOW! My grandson spent 3 years,(very part time) in a daycare -pre-school with bad supervision, bad, bad bad. He's been in a great pre school since September and the change has been amazing. He's confident. The bad language has almost
disappeared, he's a better boy all around. Beyond that, your daughter is aware of and reflecting the problems between you and your mom. Kids are like little wax plates, they pick up the impression of what's around them. If you don't feel like you can move out now, move your daughter out of her grandmother's bed and into a big girl bed. Take her out to the park and play with her. Establish a strong relationship with her away from your parents and their house. So much with kids is a matter of maturation. Your mother loves her and needs help to see how much your daughter needs a strong and healthy relationship with you to be and do well. It's hard working things out between the generations. As a very involved mother of 1 and grandmother of 2, I know. But she needs her mom to be her mom. Take a deep breath. Don't take the bait. Respect and love her and take a time out when you need one. Wishing you the best.
First of all, your daughter's behavior is perfectly normal for her age. I don't know if that thought is terrifying or comforting. They are basically hardwired to seek out the adult of least resistance. The usual way for households to survive that stage is by all adults getting on the same page, which is sometimes easier said than done.
Your parents don't see you fully as a parent and an adult. This is common even in situations where people have moved out and gotten married before having children. You are looking for a way to change their mind with a minimum of conflict, but that is essentially impossible to do without their cooperation and support. The only behavior and attitude you can reliably change is your own.
You need to assert your authority. Doing so will make things worse before it gets better, but it will eventually get better. You are fully justified in overriding their decisions where your daughter is concerned, and you should do so. Your daughter flees to your parents because it works. If it stops working, she will eventually stop trying. Your parents should be the ones "getting in trouble" for overriding your parenting decisions, not the other way around.
Take back some of the positive things for yourself as well, like the cosleeping, even if it's a sacrifice for you to adjust your schedule. Try to get to a point where you don't depend on your parents at all for help parenting your daughter, so any help is a bonus, not a necessity. That will show them (and yourself) that you are capable of handling parenting on your own.
Your friends are right that you need to move out, but there are intermediate stages between living with your parents and living completely on your own. If you are paying rent, you should be able to demand some private space that your parents must leave you and your daughter alone in, just as if they were boarding a stranger. If they refuse to honor that, then you should save your rent for a deposit on your own place. Rental agreements go both ways. If they insist on treating you like a child, insist on the concomitant rent-free benefits.
Another possibility is to get a roommate, either another single mother or a friend or maybe one of your own siblings if you have any. There are a lot of people in similar financial situations to yours who are looking for more independence.
In addition to existing good answers.
Don't forget that to manage these multiple situations you have to think straight, so find a way to relax and clear your mind. As they instruct you on the airplanes, in case of oxygen loss, first put the breather mask on yourself, only then on your child. Because if you lose consciousness, your child might not be able to put the mask on you.
About "time-outs". If it works, why not? Unless "why not" is considerable. Be sensible about tricks and roundabout ways to make your daughter behave. Aggressive parenting can lead to serious psychological traumas, but so can "white lies" and other such seemingly harmless things cause your daughter to lose your trust in future. Personally, I recommend honesty and thorough explanations to not telling everything or keeping something from your daughter. If you expect her to grow into a fully developed adult, ask yourself why you would hide some things from her. One way or another she will eventually find out what was kept from her, but better to gain her trust early by telling. Maybe try explaining the parents trying to overrule your authority. Why other people spoil her so much, and why you can't afford (financially and for other reasons) to do so. Explain why it is improper and why she shouldn't expect such behavior from everyone.
Being on bad terms with your parents can be bad influence on your children. Consider living separately. Evaluate your possible new conditions and see if you'd be better off living away from your own parents. It might be best for your daughter too.
I TOTALLY agree with
She goes to my mom and dad if I yell at her or if I say "No." Then
I get in trouble. But that's not the point.
Actually, that is the point.
Your parents may well be crippling you; get an independent 3rd party to come along (any wise person you can trust) to secretly observe the dynamic and confirm to you that you are indeed getting shafted. However, be prepared to hear that maybe you are screwing up! But even if so, it's your responsibility to make the rules and not anyone else.
Remind your parents that you only learned your parenting skills from them. If you are a screw-up parent, then they are indicted too. Of course, this could end up as a fight that doesn't go anywhere...
Do they feel guilty of being a bad parent to you, so now they are being totally sooky with your girl? Let them know it's ok for them to be tough with grand-daughter. Tell them you forgive them; they'd probably love to hear "you were right after all". Anything to stop them feeling guilty and weak if that's the problem.
Ultimately, the goal is for you to get primary management of your child, and everyone else in her world must follow your lead. To win this one, you may have to be prepared to find your own place. In fact, start saving, and planning it in your head. Sooner or later, you have to leave home. Having a grand-daughter is a privilege, not a right.
You sound like you are in a very bad situation right now and I want you to know that you are taking a courageous and important first step by seeking objective feedback about your situation. As a therapist,I will echo what many have said previously...your relationship with your mother is the root of many of the issues you are having with your child. A good policy when approaching a potentially contentious subject with someone is to use "I" statements. For example, you might find yourself saying something like "Mom,you are turning Mary into a spoiled brat by not telling her no when she behaves inappropriately." When phrased that way, your mom is going to be on the defensive from the very beginning and conflict will usually ensue. Try changing your statement to "Mom,I feel overwhelmed and a bit desperate when Mary misbehaves and you do not correct her." Phrased this way, what your mother hears first is what's going on with you...not an attack (or perceived attack) on her. Practice reframing your statements to the "I feel (fill in the blank) when you (fill in the blank)." If you and your mother can get to where you each feel respected by one another,perhaps y'all can have more productive discussions and less destructive arguments.
Secondly, as you might imagine,a therapist is going to encourage you to get counseling. I understand that your mother definitely made it clear that she was not interested. Even if she and your dad do not go, you can still gain a lot of useful information and learn new strategies for dealing with your situation by visiting a therapist alone. I also realize that finances are a concern. There are low cost options available,however. If you attend a church/synagogue/etc.,many times someone there will have the training necessary to help you. Another option is that if there is a university where you live, there might possibly be a counseling center where you could get free/low-cost counseling from a student therapist near the end of training. Your city might also provide other affordable options...just a Google search away. I can imagine that you might be thinking "Wait,I am not the problem here. It's my mom...why should I be the one getting counseling?" Don't think of it as you being the problem, think of it as you being the one who is willing to get help with a difficult situation.
I wish you, your daughter, and your parents the very best. There is a way out.
From what you describe, it sounds like you're making a huge and sensible effort to be a good parent. I think you would do well in a situation where you are not overruled.
But it's clear from your description that your parents are overruling your parenting decisions, and this is the thing that causes you the most grief. This is what you should work on -- your parents must respect your decisions.
Yes, it sounds like your daughter is spoiled, but that is neither her fault nor yours. Her being spoiled is merely a consequence and it would be futile to fight this without changing the reason first. This consequence is the result of how your parents treat her, and how they treat you.
You must first understand the situation before you can begin to change the situation.
By living with your parents, you implicitly accept to live by the rules of the house, and that puts you in a tight spot. Here is my response to a related situation:
When legally adult children continue to live with their parents, they implicitly accept to live by the rules of the house because they are legally free to choose to move out and live by their own rules. [...] You need to understand what your parents' reasoning is. Once you understand their point of view and their concerns, you can prepare a case for yourself. So: first talk to them but don't argue, and then at another time talk to them again and make your case.
You can't change everything at once, but you can either take one small victory at a time, or go for just one bigger issue to begin with. Figure out for yourself what specific things cause the most grief and discuss that single issue.
Beofett's suggestion to aim for positive recreational time with your daughter is very important too! Don't neglect that, because it has nothing to do with your parents and lets you take positive actions as a mental balance to confrontational ones.
I went thru the something with my parents. It did started when my son was 3. He is 6 now. And now he knows Dad is the boss. Not because I lay down my authority but because he knows that no one will love him like I do. Just keep her safe and love her. She knows you are her MOM! Nobody will take that away from you.
When ONE is little, ONE always seeks for safety. So dont get caught up into the "do this & dont do that". It is just to-ma-o or to-ma-toe. She wont even remember. I mean I stated remembering when I was in 5th grade. I do remember if I was safe and who provided a safe heaven for me. So just TEACH what you know about love. Help her to learn school stuff. Have lots and lots of patience. Welcome to the parenthood club.
See if your parents have good intentions. When they dont, tell them.
Back when I was a student teacher, my supervising teacher taught me a valuable thing about child psychology: kids (these were elementary-school kids) tend to focus on one person as the authority figure. If I was teaching a lesson at the front of the room but my supervising teacher was still watching in the back, as far as the kids were concerned, he was still The Teacher; I couldn’t be The Teacher until I taught a lesson with him out of the room entirely.
And very young children have an extremely black-and-white view of the world. There is Good and there is Evil and there is no middle ground.
Based on what you’ve written, it seems like you’re in a dynamic where your daughter sees your mother as the actual authority in the house, but a Good authority that dispenses whatever goodies she wants... and you are the Evil intermediary that tries to keep her away from the goodies. And when you and your mother fight over how to raise your daughter, your daughter sees an epic struggle between Good and Evil, and she cheers when Good triumphs.
(All this, by the way, is entirely within the range of normal four-year-old behavior. She can be a first-class beeeyotch at age 4 and still go on to win the Nobel Peace Prize at age 44.)
As others have said here, I think the real key is ironing out your relationship with your own mother. Are there any limits that she is willing to set with your daughter, for the sake of all the adults in the house being on the same page discipline-wise? If she’s against time-outs, what behavior management methods does she accept, and can you stand to use them? Does she think it’s cute when your daughter sasses you? Are there things that your mother wants from you that you can use as leverage to influence her behavior? Etc.
The prudent course may just be to let your mother take point on raising your daughter until you have the means to move out. Which sucks rocks, but sometimes you need to choose your battles.
Small piece of practical advice - fix the heater in your room if it's stopping your daughter sleeping in there with you. If it's a central heating system, you probably just need to bleed the radiator or get rid of an airlock by turning all other radiators off, then turning the boiler and room thermostats on full blast to vent it out of the system. Whatever the type of heater, there's a solution anyway because they are not supposed to make moose-like noises. :)
Also, rather than thinking of massive changes you could give your room a new look. It might sound silly, but little positive changes add up.
Finally, on the note of adding up... think about a cheaper car/cell phone plan/computer etc. Perhaps negotiate a drop in rent with your Dad on the basis that you'll save it up. Maybe do a few extra hours to get money in the kitty too. You might find that when you have the money saved up to move out, the sense of freedom that possibility affords you will be enough to allow you find enough positives in your current situation that you can focus on moving forward in other ways.
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