My 15-year-old daughter is having sex with her boyfriend who is a drug dealer
My daughter is 15 and her boyfriend is 17. They are having sex and I'm not sure if I want her to.
On top of that, her boyfriend is a drug dealer, but she thinks that he is cool because he makes a lot of money off it.
Is there anything I can do? Help.
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You could tell her that she thinks her boyfriend is cool, but he really is not because he ruins lives. That might stop her. You could additionally forbid her to see him, but I'm not sure that will stop her.
Basically go over to your daughter and tell her that he boyfriend is a bad person. Or go over to him and say:
You're a mean person
There isn't much you can do to force a change in their relationship. You can establish curfews, household rules, and so on, but unless you plan to watch her every minute of every day, she'll find a way to break a rule that you put in place. While she is certainly not an adult yet, your daughter's old enough to make some decisions on her own.
The best way to end this relationship is to get her to end it, and have her look at it in a realistic, mature way. Emphasize the reasons that you are worried, and get her to really think about these issues.
It may be necessary to get a different adult involved in the conversation — a godparent, a favorite aunt, a school counselor somebody. The knee-jerk reaction of teens is "you don't understand me" and she may be less dismissive if these hard, important questions are brought up by somebody else.
Safe Sex. Is he wearing a condom every single time, regardless of whether she's taking an oral birth control? Sexually transmitted disease is a big risk in addition to pregnancy. And pregnancy can happen even when multiple forms of contraception are in place. Is she ready to raise a baby? Is she ready to have to face the choice of abortion or teen motherhood? Does she have money saved up in preparation for either option? Is her boyfriend going to be a good parent to their child financially and emotionally for the next eighteen years? Where are they going to live? What will her educational and career path be like when the complication of parenthood is introduced?
Legal consequences for him. Depending on the age of consent where you live, their relationship may qualify as statutory rape. Is he so committed to their relationship that he wants to run that risk? Is he interested in hanging out with her in non-sexual contexts until she's older? (While these are sort of questions "for him," ask her to think about them, think about what she'd want his responses to be, think about what his actual responses would be...)
Legal consequences for her. Dating a drug dealer isn't just a matter of having a rich, bad-boy boyfriend. Has he ever asked her to carry anything related to his business (drugs, customer money, paraphernalia like rolling paper or empty baggies)? Does he have any of those items in his car when she's riding in it? Even if it's just as innocent as "being in the car" there's a chance she'll be caught up in any subsequent criminal charges (and if she's got anything on her person, it's a much bigger deal). Legal trouble — fines, community service, jail time, a criminal record that could potentially follow her throughout college and job applications — creates many short- and long-term repercussions.
Will he nobly take all the blame for drugs and any associated paraphernalia? (The criminal justice system may not care.) Will he put all the blame on her and say he has no idea where the stuff came from? Will he just not bother saying anything? Will he pay for her legal representation as well as his?
General safety and ethics. In the course of his "job" he likely deals with a fair amount of dangerous people. If he's in a dispute with somebody, does she want to be around if things get violent? Even if she isn't around for those (hopefully rare) events, does she understand he's profiting from other people's addiction and sickness?
Is there anything you can do? Not really. I'd say talk to your daughter and make it clear that you know what she's doing, you're not happy about it then go onto making sure she stays protected while having sex.
It's probable this will just end in time and then you'll be there to console your daughter however, you could talk to her and suggest that she turns him down once or twice. Then she'll see what is the likely real reason he's with her.
Don't ban her from seeing him. He'll become forbidden fruit and just start seeing him behind your back instead.
If you're absolutely sure that you want to end the relationship (something I wouldn't recommend because she'll blame you) and don't think your daughter will listen then you could, as a last resort only (and this is if you have proof that he is either a) a drug dealer or b) having sex with your underage daughter), call the authorities.
Your daughter's sex life is her domain. That said, I can certainly understand that her choice in this case makes you feel queasy.
You can set up some boundaries, for example, no sex in my house, daughter must come home by such-and-so time or call to let me know where she is and what is the delay, so you won't worry.
You can take her to Planned Parenthood, for contraception and information about safe sex.
You can offer the young man your mentorship in finding a legitimate job, or help him find a helpful mentor.
If he is arrested and convicted, you can go to his sentencing hearing and testify in favor of probation, if you think that sending him to jail at this point would be counterproductive.
You can help your daughter get involved in constructive extracurricular activities she enjoys, where she will hopefully meet a variety of people who are on the up and up, that she will enjoy spending time with. But please don't tell her your motivation in offering to sign her up for a pottery class or a theater program!
I believe the ethical thing to do about the drug dealing is to report his illegal activities to the police. This need not be done in a theatrical way or with any fanfare.
In a community ravaged by drug use, and all the violence and social problems that come with it, we all share the responsibility of enforcing the laws that are supposed to protect us and our children.
I would suggest that when you go to the police station to make your report, you leave out the part about the sexual relationship. The officer taking the report will probably suspect that anyway, as your motivation for bringing the drug dealing to their attention, but it is not directly relevant to the work the police need to do about the drug dealing.
I would also suggest that you tell the police that you would like to be a confidential informant.
You are doing the right thing by asking yourself these questions. You have put so much love and energy into raising your daughter. By consorting with a drug dealer, she is putting herself at risk of arrest, and is raising her risk of developing drug problems.
she thinks that he is cool because he makes a lot of money off it
Most likely, he's spinning yarns about the money in drug dealing and she's falling for it because she watches too much TV. Studies indicate that low-level drug dealers make k-k per year. While that's a lot for a 17-year-old, it is not very much money at all by adult standards; pretty much anyone who goes to college is going to make more, let alone students bright enough for the STEM track. Income-wise, her boyfriend is just a notch above minimum wage, and has a high chance of being busted.
The specific suggestion here is to leave aside matters of morality regarding dating a drug dealer and/or being in a relationship primarily for the money and simply emphasize the fact that there isn't that much money in drug dealing, at least for low-level dealers.
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