Where to turn for help when my 12-year-old granddaughter keeps hitting her 10-year-old sister?
I have two granddaughters, one turns 12 in August, the other is 10 years old and is small for her age (she was a prem baby). Her parents are divorced since the older child was 5 and the dad has a new partner and child and has no interest in his girls.
The older one is for ever hitting her sister. This behaviour has been going on for years and she won’t stop. I have suggested to my daughter my older granddaughter needs counselling. My husband and I have talked to our older granddaughter to try to get to the bottom of this, but it keeps happening. My daughter has withheld privileges and it hasn’t made a difference. Her mother (my daughter) says she cannot cope with this anymore. We are all at our wits' end.
Has anyone dealt with this and what worked? To whom can we turn to for help?
(3)3 Comments
Sorted by latest first Latest Oldest Best
Her mother (my daughter) says she cannot cope with this anymore. We are all at our wits' end.
I can well imagine. I deeply sympathize.
Has anyone dealt with this and what worked? To whom can we turn to for help?
A lot of parents deal with this. A lot of parents don't know what to do anymore.
While I don't know all of what you've tried, I know it hasn't worked, and I also know that the 10 year old is being physically (and probably emotionally) abused by the 12 year old. No one deserves that kind of childhood and the pain they will carry into adulthood. It's time to step up efforts to stop this behavior.
Get the 12 year old into counseling. With so little information (how does she act at school? Is she a good student who gets good grades? Does she bully anyone? Is she being bullied? There is much to know which has not been supplied.) I don't even know which type of counselor to suggest, but a family therapist is probably a good start, as this involves the whole family. From there, the abuser may need some individual counseling as well.
In the US, we have Crisis Intervention Hotlines. You can call them for any number of problems, from suicidal thoughts to family dysfunction. They can help steer you to the right counselors/therapists as well, and can intervene until the meeting with the therapist. They can also assess the home situation and inform the therapist of issues the family may not consider a problem.
Find an intervention that affects the 12 year old. I don't know what has been tried, but keep trying and "make the punishment fit the crime". One thing that I believe should happen is that the older daughter should be sent to her room immediately upon striking anyone, protecting the other from any further abuse. She should stay there for a significant amount of time without any means of communicating with the outside world. She's there for three reasons: for reflection on her actions, to try to learn self control, and to prevent repeated abuse of the 10 year old. For the first two things to happen, she needs to think, not text and surf.
Though my tone is severe, I'm sure you love both children, and all this can be done in love. But get the child/family into therapy as soon as possible. Please don't let finding a therapist be an obstacle.
First of all, I am so sorry that you are all going through this. I know it can be a difficult situation, especially for the younger one who is the one of the receiving end.
I had a similar situation, although not that severe, with my now 6 and 3 year old. My 6 year old is a girl and the 3 year old is a boy. Well, she used to loveeee him when he was a baby. I mean she was crazy over him! Then he started to walk and start touching and trying to play with what she considered her toys. There were times when she would get aggressive against him. What helped was showing her how much it hurt him physically when she put her hands on him.
Like, lets say your older granddaughter slaps the younger one, then slap her back. Show her that this isn't a joke and she is actually hurting her sister. Just off the top of my head (I like to exaggerate things so my kids GET the point): Plan a day when the younger one can be out of the house, away from the eldest. Print a fake picture of a broken bone or something online and have mom sit down with the eldest and tell her that this is what happened because she hit her younger sister too much. Have an honest discussion as to why this is happening. Could it be that she misses her dad? Then have the younger sister come back a few hours later with a band aid or something (Kids wont know the difference) and hopefully she apologizes for her actions.. Again, you have my sympathy in this situation! Best of luck!
Sibling rivalry tends to be pretty common, and the reason it manifests is that, like everyone else, children have a need for love and when they're competing for it, they can feel a lot of resentment toward the person they're competing with. To bring into perspective how that can feel, imagine if your significant other suddenly got another wife (in a polygamous relationship) and you had to compete for his love and attention.
Now, you mention that the dad left and has no interest in his daughters, which I imagine might make it even tougher for the girls. Now they're competing for the limited time of a single parent and they've gone through the trauma of losing one parent's love.
So here's how I imagine the 12-year-old girl is feeling: she NEEDS love and care from her mother, she's very angry that her sister is taking her mother's attention away from her, and maybe she's also afraid that her mom could lose interest in her, just like her dad did. When her mother withheld privileges, her girl might have took that as a sign that she loves her less, which I imagine might have made the resentment stronger.
How to deal with this? There's an article in Czech that I would recommend, but as it's in Czech, I'll try to summarize its recommendations (feel free to try Google Translate on it, though). When I say "you" here, I mostly mean the mother, though it's still applicable to you as the grandmother:
1) Sit down with the older child and let her express herself openly about the younger child. Don't judge. If she hates her sister, let her say that without passing judgment. And let her see that you understand her by repeating what she says ("You'd rather it be just you and me, huh?" or "So you really dislike it how much attention I give to your sister?").
2) When the older daughter acts out, try to empathize and don't punish or yell. Take her by the side and let her express herself, what she feels in the moment, and be empathetic. Once she's expressed herself fully, only then express yourself, but in a non-judgmental way — only by describing your own feelings (sad, angry, ...) and needs (peace, love, harmony, ...). The child should know that, even though you're not happy after what happened, you still love her.
(This might seem counterintuitive, but think back to the polygamous example. If you're really mad at your husband's other wife, the last thing you need is your husband yelling at you.)
3) Plan some regular alone time with each of the children, to let both know that they're still loved and to let them have some special time with the one they love.
Your daughter can try to do this alone, but sitting down with a child openly without judging can be tough to do in practice, especially when you're mad at them. So it might be better to go visit a good family therapist (make sure the therapist has a good track record) and let them mediate the interaction. That said, if your daughter doesn't want to go, then it's still worth it to try the solutions above.
Terms of Use Privacy policy Contact About Cancellation policy © freshhoot.com2025 All Rights reserved.