: Re-writing a paragraph to make it more appealing How best can I re-write this paragraph to make it more family friendly? There had been a time, barely a month or two ago, when he had sat his face to the storm and grinned

Vote Up Vote Down   0 Reactions

Login to give Reaction!

What is the issue in terms of family friendliness? The main issue I can see here is word choice.

Misuse of "big" words hinders communication and gives of an air of pomposity. discomfiture refers to embarrassment, perplexity or defeat, not physical pain. Countenance is not the "face" in the physical sense so much as the facial expression, attitude of the character, his bearing.

The description is too labored, with undue repetition (face/countenance, barely/barely, barely wafted...), and doesn't give enough credit to the reader: the reader knows that a swarm of bees is likely to sting him.

Barely a month ago, he had sat in the storm and grinned with glee as
the wind and sea-spray hurled themselves against his weather-beaten
face. Now the warm, jasmine-scented breeze that wafted into the room
through the open windows felt like a swarm of bees. Though the doctor
lifting the bandages from his face worked with the most consummate
delicacy, every inch increased his discomfort. Painful memories of
his previous battles...

And if the idea of lifting bandages from someone's face is what you are concerned with, you can easily skip that detail:

Though the doctor worked with the most consummate delicacy, the
procedure wasn't in the least comfortable.