How to protect my children from abusive mother?
I am looking for some urgent advice with how to proceed. My wife is constantly emotionally and physically abusive to both my 3 and 5-year-old. She belittles both, plays favorites, talks about her impending death, threatens them with all manner of scary stories and regularly slaps then on the head or back with an open palm.
I am convinced she has a personality disorder including OCD and NPD (I suggested therapy and was told to f-off). She has been drunk while they are in her care on many occasions as well.
She is currently a stay-at-home mum, however, we have had a maid since the eldest was born who bathed and fed them, and now I work from home and do most of the cleaning etc.. She is simply a person who wants to continue her life undisturbed by kids, she still has her Friday night (though they can be a midweek one as well) blow-outs, coming home blind drunk and vomiting like clockwork.
I am scared to leave her with the kids as she is extremely lax when it comes to safety. We live on the 38th floor and she has left the balcony door open many times, and now she is not bothered about closing the baby gate and letting the boys run free in the kitchen. Her latest act has been to go clubbing and drinking in pubs during this coronavirus outbreak without taking any precautions and coming home completely wasted. (BTW we live in Hong Kong).
I am writing this from a coffee shop as I have been forced out by her gal pals who are over for drinks. I have endured this for 18 yrs now. I want to get advice on how I can proceed? Do I simply rock up at the CPA and tell them the situation? Why would they believe me? How to prove this? I would give her everything as long as I can care for the boys.
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The mother does not seem like she will change her ways. Some people might encourage you to try to talk to her about her treatment of the kids, to give her an ultimatum, but personally I think this could just make the situation worse. You need to get the kids away from her. The best way to do this would be the legal route, unless you greatly expect that she will happily let you have full custody, not wanting to see the kids for them, or out of spite against you.
Any evidence you can get will be very useful. The maid may be able to support what you say, depending on how open your wife is with her mistreatment of the kids. I'd also suggest trying to get some video or audio recordings, but you should look into whether these can be used in court if the other person is not aware that they are being recorded.
In terms of the kitchen, I suggest kid-proofing it. Try to store any dangerous items out of their reach, and any low cupboards that need to store dangerous items should have childproofing locks.
If she refuses therapy and wants to party lifestyle she is clearly not fit to be a mother.
Child Protection seems to be your best bet because what else can you do? I don't know how it works in Hong Kong but here the child(ren) are often placed under supervision where a counselor comes by to talk tot hem and regularly keep an eye on them (asking how mommy and daddy are behaving).
But how far along are you in the divorce? because you can make your case during it..if she really is such a party girl she will probably not put up much of a fight in court. Also having your maid or others testify on her behavior can help...but sadly there is the issue of gender bias...many judges/courts still believe a mother would take better of a child then a father could so you will have to make a hard case... i would also suggest seeking legal aid before you make your move.
The question seems like the thing I'd write after having a big fight. The difference is that I would not post it and I know I'll regret posting it after a few days once both of us calm down. She's been like this for 18 years and you are still together, so no matter how bad it is, you tolerated it for 18 years and chances are you will collect yourself and carry on with her (probably by now after 4 days of posting).
However if you decide to go otherwise, I suggest getting a divorce lawyer.
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