Very painful sex AND flaccid after foreplay
So basically I'm a late 20's male, newly married (since 3 weeks), having 2 problems:
1-My wife (virgin, early 20's) have a thick hymen (my guess).
First three times we tried to have intercourse she felt so much pain and each time she bled (not much), till now each time we try penetration she feel intolerable pain and screams VERY loudly (to the point that i get scared for her well-being).
I tried to insert my finger there, it went smoothly with some minor discomfort on her side, then i tried 2 fingers, it went through also with some minor pain.
We tried to apply an Anesthetic Gel (Lidocaine) on her hymen area, but it didn't help the pain.
Also we tried "Durex Play" lube but she felt very bad burning (obviously "Play" does not Play nice with cuts)
At this point i'm out of ideas and don't know what to do.
2-My second problem is: We take our time during foreplay, mostly i give her oral (around 15-20 mins), during that time i'm rock hard, when she gets really wet and i try to penetrate, the moment i approach and get in the right position, i got flaccid :( it is like magic ! It is happening every time now !
Any help regarding the 2 problems would be much appreciated :(
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Disclaimer: Health Stack Exchange is for educational purposes. I speak about these problems in general; I cannot give you health advice.
There are several possible causes for insertional pain like you described. Women with these symptoms may have anatomical issues that make penetration painful and/or difficult (such as a thick hymen). If there are any lesions in the vaginal area, such as warts, sexually transmitted diseases, or (perhaps most likely here) unhealed areas from earlier intercourse, these all can definitely cause pain.
Lastly, some women experience involuntary muscle spasms with penetration, which makes penetration VERY painful to her. This is often involuntary, and it isn't "just in your head", however it is most frequent in women with anxiety about sex, holding personal taboos or having an upbringing with strong social/cultural taboos against sex, or a history of physical or emotional trauma. Having that kind of history is not required though. Treatment involves psychotherapy and techniques to gradually help her relax those muscles (it does not happen overnight).
As L.B. said, perhaps there are cuts there from earlier, in which the best thing may be to let them heal before irritating that area. Any of the other causes can definitely benefit from seeing a gynecologist, as doctors can help all of these issues.
Sounds like sex has been stressful for you both! I hope you are able to relax, smile, and accept that this may take some time before it goes smoothly.
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