How do I tell my best friend that he is mentally abusing his small child
I have a friend who is a wonderful father.He has 2 small children; a boy (4) and a girl (16 months).
He tries really hard with his children and is the primary caregiver for his children. He also works outside the home.
I know he is exhausted, he gets very little sleep. His partner who is a teacher isn't of much help.
My question is how do I tell him at times, he is very abusive with his son? Not physically but verbally and mentally. I need to know how to handle this please.
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Of course it is important to clarify what you mean when you say he is abusing them, how often this occurs and why this happens and what are the consequences.
Having said that, you might adopt a gentle approach in the sense that you try to teach him best parenting practices, maybe staying with him and supporting him in specific occasions, and providing an example. In other words, rather than simply stigmatizing his faults, you could say he is a good father, but everybody can improve. But you must be careful, as this approach might fail if he is not attentive or if the abuse is caused by deeper issues.
The other approach, harsher but more transparent, is just telling him that in your opinion he is abusing them, and that he need to find some formal support from relatives, friends, and/or professionals.
If you really care about him, don't be shy and go for the second strategy, while then supporting him as spelled out in the first one.
Without knowing what level of abuse you are seeing, it is almost impossible to answer. The only thing I can suggest is to offer some childcare to give this "wonderful father" a break. When you witness some (in your opinion) over-the-top discipline or anger, or you see a situation beginning to build, that's the time to quietly say something like, "I can see you have a lot on your plate. Could I help? I could watch the children while you go and...." -- whatever seems to make sense.
This is supportive and lets him know in a non-confrontational way, that his level of anger is a bit much. You are offering something concrete but without 'in his face' judgement.
You did not say if his partner is the other parent, though it seems like they could be doing more. Your offer of help might also shine a light on that.
If you do involve yourself, be prepared for a push-back. No parent wants to be shown that they are doing a less than stellar job of parenting and any offer of help might be taken exactly that way.
It sounds like the children could use your advocacy.
As others have said, it's hard to offer advice in the absence of specifics, but here's one strategy I've found that worked well occasionally:
Later, when the kids are not around, either cite a parallel where you handled things differently or, if necessary, make one up. Start by saying "X [the kid you handled or the one you've made up] also used to do that, it was really irritating. So I tried out this thing and I was really surprised at how well it worked." If you think your friend may be more likely to believe it if there's an external expert authority, cite a counselor or teacher or, again, make one up. If your friend is not too focused on themselves (which unfortunately some people are) they may decide to learn from the parallel. If they don't, and consistently refuse advice, then it may be best to do what @Joe_74 suggested and bring it up directly.
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