Questions about "Peaceful Parent, Happy Kids"
I just heard about Peaceful Parent, Happy Kids by Dr. Laura Markham (on this site) and I started looking into it. I really like some of the things I've read about this approach to parenting, but I have some questions:
Does Dr. Markham actually recommend rewarding misbehavior? I can't find it now, but I read a customer review on Amazon that said something to the effect of "My life is so much better now. When my son hits my daughter, I just hug him and tell him I love him." I don't see how this could possibly reduce misbehavior. If anything, basic psychology says you can expect the misbehavior to increase.
Does Dr. Markham really say you should turn behavior problems into games?
In one example, a child wants the parent to move from a particular spot on the couch and the parent is supposed to make fun and games with the child... but not move from the spot... Another example is about spitting, instead of consequences for spitting in the house the solution was to take the child outside to make a game of spitting out there. (source)
This seems impractical to me. I barely have the energy to get my kid a drink, let alone take him outside for spitting contest. Also, I think this could lead to problems at school where it's just not possible to make games out of everything, or when I'm in the middle of something and can't.
I'm not necessarily looking for a product review, but I'm wondering about the approach itself.
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Regarding the second point, the idea is that it teaches the child to do things in an appropriate setting. Instead of spitting inside, we go outside into the garden and have a game there. It's about positive reinforcement of what you wanted to say anyway. If our kids start chucking stuff around, we tell them that they can go outside and do that which is fine to do outside.
The first part is difficult as there is much to be said for hugging the one who has been wronged because the family does need to be a fair place. I think what the book is getting at is that you don't autopsy the situation ("Who did what? When? Why? really? Then why did he do that..."), you don't fight it out, but you show love to the kids, affirm who they are, then it is easier to then give them the tools to manage their relationships more easily primarily because you will be calm. You won't be angry, annoyed and they will be more receptive to you in that mode. Provided you are firm and consistent and work with positive reinforcement as I think the book is suggesting then you should have a peaceful house. For example if they fight then the book seems to suggest to hug them, and then show them how to turn that behaviour into a game in an appropriate way, for example have an arm wrestle in a specific place, but you don't affirm the fighting. So you always affirm the person, not the behaviour, if that makes sense.
I don't know the specific lines you're referring to. However, the general approach favored by Dr. Markham is to avoid punishments, in favor of setting limits; and responding with empathy when the limits are broken.
For example, how I would interpret the spitting example:
I'm sorry, but spitting on the floor/table inside is not allowed, Johnny. It's messy, makes the floor/table wet, and means I have to clean after you.
Mom, I like to spit. [spits]
Okay, let's go spit outside then. [takes child outside]
The parent is setting the limit (and explaining how the parent feels, to try and make a bond with the child here). The child violates the limit, so the parent takes the child outside. The point of this is largely to remove the child from the situation causing the problem (in this case, being inside). It's not always possible, but it's certainly one reasonable solution. Making it a 'game' enhances the bonding.
Dr. Markham's main point here is to avoid having punishments: you aren't removing the child as a punishment, you're removing the child because they haven't the self discipline to avoid violating the limits set. You have many other tools for dealing with this - requiring them to clean the floor, for example, again not as punishment but simply because their action caused an effect (the floor needs cleaning), just as if they'd spilled a glass of milk.
Her approach is focused on building a bond between your child and you, so that your child wants to behave well, and learns self control; authoritarian parenting (ie, parenting where the parent directs the child how to behave) differs in that it does not teach the child self control. It does include limits, which makes it different from permissive parenting (where the parent does not serve at all as an authority figure), but it focuses more on building respect and an emotional connection.
If you want to read more about her approach, her website has much of the material from the book, and explains in detail why it differs from some other methods of parenting.
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