6yo son doesn't want to return to mother after scheduled contact
Me and my wife have separated and are going through a divorce, we have two boys, 6 and 2, currently I only get to see the eldest. He stays with me from Friday evening until Sunday evening. I usually pick him up at 18:00, I live about 90 mins to 2 hours away depending on traffic and there is a court order that means I have to take him back by 18:00 on the Sunday. This contact is greatly reduced from what was previously happening a couple of months ago where I would pick him up after school on Thursday and then take him back to school on Monday morning.
The problem is that he gets increasingly anxious throughout Sunday leading up to when we have to leave to take him back to his mother and when it is time to leave he is very upset, distressed and doesn't want to go.
He hides under the bed or under chairs, he hides his shoes and he cries and begs to stay. I hate seeing him affected like this and will do anything to try to mitigate the distress he seems to be in but I don't know what to do. I also want to make it clear so that he understands that he doesn't have to go because I want him to leave. That I wold love him to stay as long as he wants to and there are forces outside of my control that are putting us in this situation.
I have already tried taking him out for the day before leaving so that we leave from where it is we have been instead of from home. This didn't help.
Also I have considered that it might just be the situation and tension of the handover when I take him back that he is trying to avoid but this seems unlikely as I do not engage in any conversation or conflict of any type when picking him up and he does not seem to be upset at all when I collect him. If fact he always seems very happy to be coming with me and often waits by the door for me, the only times he has been upset when I have picked him up have been when I have been later than usual due to traffic and he has been scared that I wasn't coming.
I cannot expect any help or cooperation from his mother in dealing with this or any flexibility over the time I have to return him.
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I'd like to recommend the book: Never Split the Difference, which is a negotiating book. Using some of the techniques you can help him and you identify feelings that are leading to irrational behavior.
In the end its probably about a lack of control. If at all amicable with his mom, perhaps you can alter the time a little bit for his drop off. If you can't I would not be above changing the times on the clock in the car and the most visible one in the house (like on the oven or microwave).
Something like:
Hey Johnny, this weekend you have a choice about when you get to go
back to Mommy's house. Do you want to be dropped off at 5:30 or 6:30?
Giving him some choice and power in a situation that he hates and that he is powerless can really help.
Later Edit:
If you really have a good relationship with his mom, you can work this together. All three of you can get on the phone with him on Sunday the two parents can give the child options about the best time for exchange, and perhaps locations for the exchange. For example "mom can pick up at 5:30 at McDonalds and we can go and play on the play ground early, or she can come to Dad's house at 6pm. Which would you prefer?" This kind of thing is really the best option so the child knows he does not have to choose between mom and dad.
First, I think you have to understand what causes this distress. It feels "normal" to me that a 6yo prefers to stay at his Dad's place during a weekend than his Mom's place during weekdays, and this may have nothing to do with Mom and Dad. Leaving you may be harder than leaving his Mom because:
he spents time with you only on weekends, and (unfortunately) weekends are 2 days-long while there are five weekdays a week. Seems obvious but still...
activities during weekends are often more enjoyable; no homework and time to play outside or with videogames, etc...
Going back to his mother's also means going back to school the day after. A lot of children can be anxious on sunday evenings. Did you notice any change during holidays? Maybe it was easier?
As said in a comment, this can take time for him to accept the new situation, and I recommend being very careful with the vocabulary and posture. Tell him you love him but he cannot stay, but do not promise something you cannot do, and do not blackmail him with something like
If you don't go gently to you Mom's, you may not see me next weekend.
About relation ship with your ex-wife, you wrote:
I cannot expect any help or cooperation from his mother in dealing with this or any flexibility over the time I have to return him.
Divorce may be really hard to manage, but you may still let her know what is going on. Be careful to not do it in front of your child, if possible.
Last but not least, children are like sponges. The more you will anticipate the crisis the more he will feel it and the worst the crisis will be. Do not hesitate to talk to him about this, children may be smarter than we think they are.
Anyway, good luck with this situation, and I hope it will get better very soon.
Have you also considered that he may be giving you something he thinks you want? Do YOU talk about how much you're going to miss him once he goes? Keep bringing up the deadline to push activities along?
He's your kid. He loves you. and part of this may just be his way of telling you "Dad - I know you miss me when I'm gone, because you always talk about it, and I'm just showing you that I'd really, really love to stay because I don't want you to miss me and be sad."
Kids at that age can't express complex thoughts like that, and that where interpreting what their acting out comes from. I'm not saying this is the case as I have no clue about your interactions.
I'm just saying - also consider how you are presenting yourself and the weekend to him and consider what tone he is getting from you. And, maybe what you might do to distract him from not thinking about the deadline to go back - such as not mentioning it yourself.
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