How should a parent react when their child comes out of the closet to them?
Several of my good friends, including my best friend, are gay/lesbian/queer. All of them have told me that coming out was one of the most emotional and difficult things they've ever had to do. Their parents' reactions ranged from shock and vulgar ignorance ("You mean you like to do it in each others' [censored]?") to rejection to loving acceptance.
How should a parent react when their child comes out to them? Obviously some reactions are more positive than others, and ideally all parents would love and accept their child as they are, for the person that they are. However, not all parents can do that -- this is the case I'd like to address as much as possible. What should a parent do after the initial shock has worn off? How can a parent prepare (as much as anyone can) for what could be a very surprising conversation?
I'm going to request an emphasis on professional opinions and cited studies in addition to personal experience.
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If you feel you can, thank the person for coming out to you. It may
feel strange, especially if the news was unwelcome. But hey, the
alternative being was kept in the dark while the person pursued their
alternative lifestyle anyway. At least this way they are being honest.
I'm not sure I'm happy with the phrasing alternative lifestyle, but anyway, it's still good advice. More, you should thank your child for trusting you enough to tell you.
Please don't tell the person it is 'no big deal'. To them, it probably
is a big deal. Otherwise, they wouldn't have bothered. So your attempt
at a super calm reaction may come across as uncaring or ignorant.
Some people believe that homosexual behavior is a sin. How are those people to react when their child, who they love deeply and want the best for, says in essence, that they are committed to sinfulness? It is kind of flip to just presume that the parents need to get over it. The tone of the question presumes that which ought not to be presumed: that it is OK for the child to be homosexual. For some parents, it is not OK.
That said, I am a pragmatist and a realist. Reacting negatively will not make it better, no matter what better is. And like it or not, your child is your child, and needs you to love even when you don't agree.
Which brings me to the best answer I can come up with to the question directed especially at those parents who are not be comfortable with the idea of their child being gay.
The parents should not react with strong negative emotion, despite any inclination to do so. The child already knows what the parents think. The stronger the parents' innate disapproval, the more courage required by the child. That should be honored and respected, even if the choice is disheartening.
The parents must respect and accept whoever the child loves.
The parents must do everything possible to "love the sinner" even if they "hate the sin".
The parents must not start the discussion about it being a phase, or being a choice, or about something that can be cured. They may believe that, but it can't be brought up at any time during the "coming out".
I found the suggestions on this website to be helpful:
Be sure your child knows you love him or her.A parent’s first response
should be to remind their child that you are there for them, and love
them, and support them. “I love you, you’re my kid,”
Reaffirm your values. If you do not feel that teens should have sex with other
teens, this is still your value, and you should still guide your child
as their parent.
If you have made anti-gay statements, it is time to
be a good model. Acknowledge that you have a prejudice. Discuss the
need to treat all humans with respect and dignity. Discuss the need
for tolerance.
Remember that children will also have questions. They
have not lived in the world as a sexual being, and will benefit from a
parents’ willingness to talk openly and to ask questions.
Adolescents worry about being accepted–whether it is because they are not good at
or interested in sports and this is something their parents value, if
it is because they are not good students, and this is something their
parents value, or whether it is because they are homosexual, children
need to be reassured that they will be loved by their parents.
Re-examine your assumptions. A parent of a child who’s just come out
may think may worry that they may never have grandchildren, for
example, and this is not necessarily true.
Get support. One of the best resources is Parents, Friends, and Families of Lesbians and Gays
Protect your child. Because of the social stigma that homosexuality still carries,
the risk of suicide in Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual and Transgendered youth
is much higher. Parents can help by doing the same things they would
do if their child was straight. Have a connection with them, find them
support, make sure they are able to feel safe and loved in their home.
If you believe that homosexuality is fundamentally wrong, then
remember these other values:
Hatred is not a value, and your child is still your child.
Treat others as you wish to be treated.
Seek the support of a trusted mentor or support group. Find out how other parents have managed to cope with
their child’s sexuality when it conflicts with their beliefs.
Remember that your child has done things in the past that you disapproved of,
and you still loved them. As a parent, it is your responsibility to
let them know that though you disapprove of homsexuality, you still
love your child.
There is nothing that you need to DO about this. You
will need some time to process the shock. Many parents are surprised
to learn that their children are homosexual–because it is simply not
as common as having a child who is heterosexual.
PFLAG (Parents, Families and Friends of Lesbians and Gays) also has this advice:
The first thing you should do for yourself and your loved one is to talk to someone who has been through this process. ...
The second thing you should do is educate yourself. ...
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