: Breaking my rejection of christianity to my parents I know this isn't exactly appropriate for this site -- I'm not a parent, I'm a son -- but I think it's still applicable to the community here. I would prefer feedback from

The key thing to think about as you prepare for your discussion is respect. You respect your parents and the way you were raised. You respect and honor their decisions in faith. You respect that they will disagree with your decision to step away from their religion. I imagine your goal here is to agree to disagree.

One thing I would consider here: every person, from the lowliest slave to Abraham, Jesus, and Mohammed has questioned their faith and their place in it. The way you feel today may not reflect how you feel in 50 years. It would be unfortunate if you burned the bridges to your past.

It may be that your rejection (I agree with Morah, this is a strong word and should be avoided) will cause your parents to reject you. I know of many people that claim to place religious adherence over family ties. You may no longer be welcome in those family traditions. I don't want to advocate deception or anything like that, but many people attend church for reasons that have little to do with faith. Some attend because it's important to their spouse, others attend for the community - not everyone feels that church is only for worship. You may find it's enough to attend and celebrate your family rather than your parents' religion.

One undercurrent in your question is the discomfort with being asked about searching for a church. If your goal in this endeavor is to avoid that discussion, I would caution you that taking this step is likely to result in more uncomfortable situations, not less.

It is hard as a parent to watch your child make decisions you would not make. Your natural instinct is to protect them, regardless of how much danger it would put you in, or how badly you might hurt their feelings. You will have to steer this conversation carefully to keep it as rational as possible. The first attempt may go very badly. If you want your parents to understand your decision, this is something you will have to put a lot of effort into. Make sure you reiterate how much you care and love them and how much you appreciate how they've raised you. Even parents need positive reinforcement.

---

I can almost agree with Torben's answer, but I think his conclusion is a little too gentle to the point of placing an additional burden on you. DVK's comments have the right attitude, but are a bit too passive for what you're describing.

When the topic comes up, I recommend calmly explaining exactly what you believe and don't believe. I don't think dancing around the issue is going to help you at all. Use common sense, be polite and respectful, and don't feel the need to get into a theological debate, but don't censor your beliefs, lie by omission, or hide your thoughts to preserve the relationship.

As disturbing and sad as it may be, if your parents would reject you for this, you already don't have a good relationship, just the illusion of one based on an arbitrary condition.

Be strong enough to face the fact that this may not end well and bring up the topic. Others have indicated that merely expressing your disbelief is somehow disrespectful and I encourage you to reject that notion completely.

One last tip on implementation: Be positive! Instead of saying you reject Christianity, why not explain to your parents what you actually believe now? For example, if asked about a church, explain that you've become a humanist (e.g.) and have begun exploring that through meetings/books/study/etc..

---

Parents have a hard time when their adult children have a different way of life then they have. Often parents feel it a rejection of their parenting. This being said, you asked about how to discuss it with them.

Using the word 'rejection' worries me. I assume you still respect Christianity as a way of life, you just don't choose to embrace it for your own life. It sounds like you were brought up in a religious home which held very strong beliefs. If you say you are 'rejecting' Christianity your are essentially saying, from your parents' point of view, that you are rejecting your upbringing so my fist piece of advice is to stay away from that word.

In terms of actually sitting down and 'breaking it to them' you need to tread lightly and be sure to stay on topic. Explain to them that you have chosen to steer away from Christianity as a way of life. You wanted to let them know because... (I don't know why, but you feel like you must so you will have to fill that in yourself, it may be as simple as it doesn't fit into your life right now, you are having trouble with the Christian belief system, etc.) Also include that right now a theological discussion would not be productive and you are not interested in getting into an argument as belief is belief and by its very nature can not be proven. If you remain calm even in the face of non-calm parents (which I recognize is very difficult) you should be fine.

If you feel that they need to be told, that you need to come out so to speak, trust your gut, but tread lightly, stay calm, say it straight, and keep the conversation short.

I wish you luck, and as a parent, it would be hard for me, but in the end my kids love me and I love them and that will prevail (it may take time so be prepared for that).

---

It would be fair of you to let your parents know. They care about you, and it would be unkind to deliberately continue deceiving them. However, what and how you tell them is probably very important for a good outcome.

Before you do anything, you need to decide what outcome you want. What's most important to you? That your parents respect you afterwards? That they still respect you as part of the family?

My first thought was that your parents might accept your situation more easily if you don't drop the bomb but bring it to them gently instead. Don't be all "religion sucks and god is an illusion" on them; that might be the worst possible thing to do. Remember that it took you a few years to make up your mind, so you should expect them to take a while to accept it too.

Think back four years: What made you doubt your belief in the very beginning? It might have been just a tiny seed in your mind, but it eventually grew into where you are now. That seed might be a good opening act for gently bringing the topic up with your parents. Later, you can progress along different paths:

Pretend to believe. This is also called lying and is bound to backfire sooner or later, so I'm not recommending it. Honesty always pays off, even though it might hurt up front.
Believe but doubt. This is the seed that got you here. Perhaps pretend for a moment that you're not "here" yet but still sitting with that seed in your mind. This will allow your parents to see your journey away from belief - much better than dropping a bomb.
Participate for their sake. This might be the best outcome? They might accept that you don't believe as strongly as they do but they still want you to participate in events. It's up to you to decide if you can go along with the events if you no longer believe.
Don't participate, but don't reject. If you can't stand the events, at least don't burn your bridges: Accept and respect their choice of faith, and accept that they might not reciprocate. Act as a smart and responsible adult.
Openly reject - also not recommended. I think few people would deliberately spit in their parents' faces, but it certainly gets the point across and they are likely to leave you alone afterwards. Very alone.

When you talk to your parents, use the "me" approach: I feel that... I think that... This removes the facts or beliefs from the discussion and leaves only how you feel about the topic, and that's precisely the point. You would want to discuss your situation and not the religion itself.

Also: You might want to browse through Dale's blog here: The Meming of Life - it deals with wise but everyday insights by a parent who wants to raise his children with a thorough understanding of religion, but with the emphasis that religion is not "true". There's lots of wise stuff in there, but the most impressive thing is that Dale knows a lot about religion -- when you've got your facts and references straight, you can argue much better, but remember that you don't really want to discuss the religion itself but only your thoughts about it.

Disclaimer: I am not religious at all.

---

I just have to suggest it here. I believe that there is a natural progression where most teenage to college age people reject completely rightly the belief of their parents because it is not their own. That's perfectly normal. You have to now find for yourself what do you believe. It may turn up to be the Flying Spaghetti Monster or perhaps another Christian denomination (or non-denomination) or perhaps atheism. It is for you to discover.

The point is that there is awful a lot of work in front of you. You should really work hard on finding out what you believe and what you don’t believe.

Couple of things to consider (obviously I am a Christian, so this is from my (biased?) point of view):

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bHyqDGAiEpA (that is I think very relevant)
there is a ton of thinking on the postmodern Christianity founded mostly by the people who were similarly outraged from the faith of their parents. Search for the "Emerging Church", "postmodern Christianity" etc.

Good luck with your parents! Love them a lot!

Mat?j

---

I agree with Morah - don't tell them that you reject Christianity.

It is OK to not be convinced that the faith is not for you - and if you phrase it correctly, your parents will not argue with you, rather succumb to just praying (more) for you. You have to be comfortable with the fact that your parents genuinely want you to be a Christian. So you must identify yourself as either a Christian, or tell them that you are not sure if Christianity is the answer.

Don't:

Don't tell them that you are rejecting Christianity.
Don't tell them what you find wrong with Christianity.
Don't belittle their belief.
Don't tell them that you will never believe in Christianity.

Do:

Try to understand their faith.
Do let them pray for you.
Convince them that you are merely a seeker for truth.
Convince them that you need to find Christianity (Christ) on your own.
Thank them for the education and tools they have given you.

It is important that under no circumstances you discuss the specifics of what you find wrong with Christianity, especially if you have no intentions of changing your belief. There are generally two viewpoints: (a) people who want to believe, but can't over some facts; (b) people who don't want to believe, and will reject every argument. If you are in the latter group, don't open up a debate. Just tell them that this is between you and God.

Note that if you've turned atheist, that complicates the matter further. Religious parents are usually disturbed when they've discovered that their child has all together stopped believing in God. I'd recommend skipping that bit and continuing on the "seeking the truth" trail. If a Christian genuinely believes that Christianity is the answer, they should respond with "I will pray that you find the truth which is Christianity."

Disclaimer: I am a Christian. (I wasn't raised as such, my parents aren't Christians; they are of a different faith entirely.)

---

I've rejected religion but never had a compelling reason to overtly bring it up with my parents. I'm sure they've sort of figured it out by now in passing conversations, but religion, or a lack thereof, I believe, is a personal thing and unless other people ASK for your viewpoint on it, I see no reason to share it.

So if you don't mind the traditional part of the act, then feel free to continue doing it. No need to bring it up unless they ask, in my opinion.

---