First pet (fish) just died. Is there a teachable moment?
My 4 year old wanted a dog. I told him that I need to see him take responsibility first for a small pet before getting him a dog - Plus, my yard is not exactly animal friendly right now.
We got him a small beta fish, the tank, the food, and all the cool stuff. I took careful instructions from the pet store expert, and had my son do all the feeding every day, under my supervision. This morning, Bob (the fish) was laying sideways in his tank, not moving.
I believe quite firmly that it was not my son's fault - he did everything I told him - but Bob is officially dead this morning. While I want to ensure he learns some lesson from this, the fish died in only a few days. My son knows he's dead, but he doesn't seem fazed by it yet.
Is there a teachable moment here, even if I believe the fish died of natural causes and not by my son's actions?
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Many.
But which exactly greatly depends on your child and his experiences so far.
Some suggestions:
Death is final
Really. If you are four you haven't necessarily made that experience yet. Families are smaller and live apart, neighbourhoods less connected than a few generations ago. First-hand experience with death is rare even for adults.
Death is inevitable
Every living thing will eventually die. Some creatures have only a few weeks, some will live for hundreds of years. But in the end, they will die. Even if you take great care and make no mistake. Sometimes death can be anticipated, sometimes it's sudden. In the end, what counts it's what you made of your time.
Death is not the end of the world
Life goes on for those still living. We are sad, but we carry on. (You could include some concept of afterlife here depending on your belief and whether you are willing to include pets in it.)
Death has its social customs and traditions
We respect our dead and celebrate their life with a funeral or similar. (I would suggest not throwing the fish in the trash.)
...
And, if in the end your son really doesn't care, let it go. You might have to live up to your promise of a dog, though...
Many pet stores have a guarantee period. In my town they all offer 7 days; if I take the fish back to the store, along with a sample of the water from the tank, they test it, determine whether the death was caused by water conditions, improper handling, or possibly a condition the fish had before purchase (and in the latter case, they offer a replacement). Check your receipt or contact the store to determine their policy. (Do keep the water sample for testing separate from the fish, please!)
The teachable moment here would be either:
If the fish had some disease from the pet store, confirmation that it wasn't his fault, and an opportunity to try again, if that's something he wants to do.
If water conditions or handling were the cause, then he'll have the opportunity to learn what was done wrong, how to seek answers from knowledgeable experts, and hopefully gain a deeper appreciation of the responsibility one takes on by being a pet owner.
Your son wasn't as connected to the fish (who he couldn't touch) as he would be a puppy (who would have personality and follow your son around), so it's not surprising that he isn't upset.
I would use this as a moment to teach the following:
Small animals are delicate and have shorter life spans than dogs or humans. It's natural and no ones fault when it's time for them to pass.
If he gets upset stress that you both took care of the fish carefully and together. He could also do something to "remember" the fish like draw a picture. This would alow him to feel like he's doing something to help instead of being powerless in the situation.
I wouldn't do this now but if you decide to get more fish you should do a little research on water quality and make sure there wasn't something off that did kill the fish. I say don't do this now because you don't want your son to think you did something wrong, but you do want to double check before getting another fish under the same conditions. Fish are so sensitive.
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