How to help my wife's 9-year-old boy who has an unnatural attachment to his mother figures and lacked a father figure?
We are a blended family, between us we have 4 kids. Our 9-year-old boy was 4 when his dad left and I believe that this has presented him with a couple of challenges.
Firstly, he appears to be stuck developmentally. He seems to have an unnatural attachment with the "mums" in his life (says his mum and step mum are "hot" and wants to marry them) and has difficulty in seeing me as an authority figure, he won't look at me when we tell him off for example. Or when I ask him to help, he cannot help but look at mum for validation, as if he needs her to approve it.
I've read up and can see that having a father figure when he was growing up is important for him to understand how to interact with a parenting team. Not having one around appears to have stalled him and let him to an almost unnatural connection with mum.
Secondly, his behavior has no balance, for example, he will often do and say things that are very child like (can't see that stealing is wrong or hitting when he doesn't get his way), but also when challenged on this he appears almost shameful, there's no balance.
What can we do at this stage to help him be a happy and contented 9-year-old?
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You said:
He seems to have an unnatural attachment with the "mums" in his life
What happened surrounding your 9 year-old boy's biological mum? Maybe this is part of the problem. Maybe it isn't.
The thing is that family break-ups and, although not always, the emotional effects of break-ups can cause all sorts of problems with a child's emotional development. Your 9 year-old boy may have maladjusted to the past events, and maybe he hasn't. You haven't indicated how long you have been his step-father. Questioning and maybe challenging your authority can be a natural part of adjusting to you entering the family unit.
These problems may need more professional help than what can be provided here as @pojo -guy indicated. There may be more aspects which need assessing than are indicated here.
Therefore, I would suggest that you take your 9 year-old boy to see a therapist who can thoroughly assess his issues and help him to re-adjust to what has happened.
I wish you and your step-son the best
The problems you state are:
1. He doesn’t see you as an authority figure
2. Doesn’t take responsibility when he does something wrong (hitting or stealing)
3. Mom marriage themes
The first seems natural given you’re his step father and the second and third are pretty normal for a child.
I don’t understand how being close with his mother is a problem, except that you perhaps see it as interfering with your authority. Or perhaps there are other behaviors you didn’t list that are more illuminating.
It sounds like you married this kid’s mom and started acting like you do with your kids, who trust and love you immensely from years growing up with you. He doesn’t trust you like that yet, so he’s deferring to the parent he does trust, his mother. If you’re mostly telling him off, barking orders, and making him feel shameful for lying instead of helping him process through that so he can learn not to do it...not a lot of trust building going on and he will continue to resist you.
Seems like he trusts his mom, which is great! So important for kids to have an adult they trust in their life. Would be nice to have two, so maybe you can work on building trust and love with him purposefully. Until then, stop being threatened that he wants his mom’s okay for things. Maybe have her be the disciplinarian for awhile, until you’ve earned enough trust to discipline effectively. Use honey, not vinegar.
His father leaving obviously had a massive effect on this boy. You might try a short (2 or 3 day road trip) with just him and you to a fun place that he would really enjoy. That way, when you ask him to do something, he cannot seek validation from his mum, and it MAY result in a tiny bit of trust between you. Right now, he does not trust that you or any other male in his life will leave him.
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