My 13 year old is sexting need advice
Today I went through my daughters Kik account (a messaging service) just to make sure she wasn’t getting “creepers.” From what I have seen in the past, she is very behaved on there (i.e., she refuses to engage in sexting).
Today, however, I found a very long and graphic conversation between my daughter and another girl. I have already decided that if this dialogue were with a male she would be in huge trouble, but I am still confused as to how to handle this: in the event that she is gay, I don’t want her to be ashamed or embarrassed about it, and maybe she just isn’t ready to talk about it.
How should I handle this situation?
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Great question! I don't have personal experience with this one, but have had a number of close friends who are gay. I think every one of them would agree with me when I say, Handle it the same way you would if it was a boy - almost.
First, from the way you've worded the question, it seems you don't believe she should be having a highly sexual discourse (or relationship) with anyone at her age. You'll need to mostly focus on that fact with her. She'll want to focus on the fact that you were snooping as a way to avoid the rest of the conversation so be prepared for that fact. In my opinion, if there isn't already a prior understanding between you about it, own up to the fact that you snooped, apologize for it (because it is a break in trust - even if you feel it is a justified break) and then insist on moving on in the conversation to discuss the sexual content of their texts.
It may be a joke between the two girls (teen-aged kids have a strange sense of humor) so you still shouldn't jump to any conclusions, but I would approach her and say pretty much what you'd say if it were a boy on the other end of the conversation. The only difference is, you'll have to clarify for her that your concern is about the sexual content and NOT the gender of the person on the other end of the conversation.
If she says it was all a joke, remind her that you would still love her if she were gay (in case she is just covering - and because telling them you love them no matter is always a good thing anyway - especially when you are mad or concerned) and it isn't okay to have highly sexual telephone convos even when it is a joke.
Make sure within the conversation to offer her room to speak - try to keep it a conversation and not a lecture and you will get a lot further with her, she is more likely to open up more with you and you'll come out of it with more knowledge about your daughter and hopefully a sense of trust.
This question and its answers may offer up some helpful thoughts and does contain some discussion about the "snooping" aspect of things, it is a question posted by a parent upset to discover her child might be gay - so is quite different, but some of the ANSWERS are closely related.
Handle it exactly how you would if it was with a guy. Anything else is just another form of discrimination. She, being a teenager, may try to manipulate you by accusing you of overreacting because it's a girl, but you know it's not, so just reinforce that you are concerned with the behavior itself, not the gender of who it was with.
Since she seems to be good about not sexting guys (hopefuly, for security reasons in part), one thing to strongly consider and teach her is There are no girls on Internet.
While it's kind of an abused trope, it is to a large extent true. Tons of people online pretend to be opposite gender (reasons vary, some are more malicious and some are less). Many pretend to be wrong age.
If you can find studies (you can ask for them on Skeptics.SE using TVTropes link above as a required notable claim) that prove this, show them to her so it's not just your (clearly, unreliable and false because you're her parent :) word.
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