Is it normal for a 2-year-old girl to throw 30 min tantrums several times per day?
My 2-year-old daughter throws extremely bad tantrums that last at least 30 minutes. She's pulling her hair, throwing things, hitting, kicking, biting people, hiding under things. They happen about 1-3 times a day. Is this normal?
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That can be normal - or something like normal. My daughter got to almost three years and I thought I might be escaping the terrible two's, but then she turned and it was very hard dealing her, and the tantrums, and everything else. They say the best advice is to completely ignore the child while they're having a tantrum to teach them that that behavior is not okay. I know that can be hard, but children can learn quickly and will try to find other ways of getting your attention.
Tantrums are never nice, but this sounds fairly normal.
What I have found sometimes* works, is 'active listening'.
This involves acknowledging her feelings, and letting her know that you understand why she is upset. Her reaction (the tantrum) may seem completely unreasonable to a parent, but as far as she's concerned, she has a very good reason to be behaving the way she is. She believes (for whatever reason) that she has been aggrieved in some way, and is reacting in the most appropriate way she knows.
This doesn't mean condoning her behavior, or giving in to her, most likely, very unreasonable demands. Rule #1 of tantrums... Never give in. However, often what they are most upset about is really just that they don't feel they're being listened to.
So the conversation might go something like...
"I understand that you're frustrated and upset with me because you wanted a lollipop, and I didn't buy you one."
This is acknowledging that she has feelings, and that her feelings matter, and that you are listening to her.
When you're talking to the child, make sure you get down and are talking directly to her, from her level.
If you can get her to respond with a "yes", or a nod of the head, then the tantrum should end soon. The key obstacle is getting them to listen, after that it's usually possible to talk them down, and help them to get their emotions back under control.
This is the age where children learn that they cannot have everything they want, but that they can have some of the things they thought they could not have under certain circumstances.
At that age, the world is big, complicated, and governed by rules they are only beginning to understand. Being unable to talk and reason about it in an abstract way, what's left to them is to find out about these rules by trial and error. For example, children at that age have learned that, when they are upset, their parents will try to comfort them. If there is something they want, but cannot get at, their parents might help them to get it. Of course, their intelligence prompts them to combine these and be upset about not getting something because someone said "no" (for reasons a two year old is unlikely to fully grasp).
On top of that, our evolutionary baggage brings abilities like "problem solving by violence", which is something that needs to be taken to test as well.
IME, the only way out of that is to never to allow a child to gain something due to violent behavior. That doesn't mean you need to behave "mean" in order to teach this. Quite the opposite, in fact: If possible (depends on the tantrum's severity), you can express your love for her, comfort her, express your understanding that she is upset, be sad with her about it – just never give her a chance to gain anything by throwing a tantrum.
Of course, this is easier said than done (and can be way more complicated than written here; e.g., when your girl is upset because she doesn't feel loved enough), but hang in there. The fact that you see no adults behave that way must mean that this will get better.
As always, remember the parental mantra:
It's just a phase. It will pass.
I've noticed there are a few different types of tantrums.
One is where the child is truly frustrated that you don't understand what they're asking for. By default I initially try to assume it's this first. There's no worse feeling for both child and parent than when you ignore a tantrum and they are simply frustrated because they can't tell you they want water.
The second tantrum I've noticed is the learned tantrum. This is where they see another child throwing a tantrum and they copy it. It's important of course to ignore this one completely. My daughter does this at times but it's not real intense.
The 3rd tantrum is the one that does not appear overnight. It's the one YOU have taught them to do by rewarding them at the end of it. If the toddler wants to constantly be picked up, let's say, and you give in to the tantrum, then you've taught them that to get what they want, they need to throw a tantrum. This then becomes difficult for you and the child. Tantrums are painful for both of you. The trap gets deeper because the parent gives in - not wanting to see the child suffer the tantrum - further reinforcing the tantrum and the cycle continues.
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