How do my wife and I stop our son from learning to swear from us?
My wife and I both tend to have... colorful language (for me it tends to be far worse when driving). Our son just turned one, and is starting to become more verbal. He's not quite at the point where he's repeating whatever we say, but it is just around the corner.
While I think that we're well equipped to explain to him what is and is not acceptable language, it will likely be a while before he is able to make that distinction. While I generally consider profanity to be "just words", we'd rather avoid having issues with other parents or teachers.
What can my wife and I do to avoid our son picking up some of our more colorful vocabulary?
Slip ups will happen from time to time, at least until we can get used to the new restrictions. How can we mitigate the damage of any lapses? Are there any general strategies that can demonstrate proper behavior without causing confusion along the lines of "do what we say, not what we do"?
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You are asking how to prevent your kids from picking up your language without actually curbing your language. Short of forcing the kid to wear ear plugs, there isn't a solution for that.
So, assume he's going to pick up your language. At that point, you need to help let the child know when it's not OK to use those words.
In our house, we have a policy that those words are only acceptable when 1) you stub your toe or 2) the computer crashes. ;)
As an aside, I've made a personal goal to stop using said language in the car as I've decided that being angry at anyone on the road, no matter how idiotic they may be, only puts myself and family at risk. I now have a more zen approach to driving and just let everyone else be the jerk rather than myself.
Swearing is a behavior, not a vocabulary.
Reason I say this is because simply not using the words or exchanging them with "innocent words" is not going to change the manner and tone you respond to an event.
My experience is that kids learn the behavior, even if the words are replaced with "innocent words".
The good news is that at least in some cases that kids are smart enough to know not to use them.
If it is not OK for your child to do it, why in the world would it be OK for you to do it? You set a double standard that will ultimately result in the child doing what you do. It is the same for smoking/drinking/yelling/abusing/over eating. If you do these things, it is a good bet that your child will as well. If you don't want them to do it, then you need to stop. Too many parents these days are too selfish to truly make the changes in their own lives that will in turn benefit the lives of their children. To be a truly great parent it requires lots of sacrifice... be it time/money/desires/habits. If you want to be a great parent, you need to be willing for the sake of your child to give things up. The key word is willing. If it is not given up willingly, then you will never stick with it.
My mom swears all the time and I don't swear. There's a difference between swearing and being down right vulgar, which is if you made someone tried to run off that road, you flick them off and say "f u"; that's just swearing out of anger, being vulgar would be you being in the same situation and calling him a sexual term, which I don't think any kid should hear. I wouldn't change the way how you use your language around the kid, if you are not being vulgar, they are going to pick it up somewhere ,but I would make it clear to the little one that just because you do it, it is not OK for him to do it.
The answer from the collective "Captain Obvious" ... Don't cuss in front of the kid ... is certainly correct. I don't expect it is very helpful to the OP, either. I am sure it occurred to him already, and I expect he asked here because he and his wife are struggling with it.
So the real question, as far as I am concerned, is ...
How do parents prevent kids from doing things that they themselves do?
This is actually a legit question, and actually comes up again and again as kids grow into adults. Topics include staying up late, chores, homework, drinking, sex, makeup, driving over the speed limit, etc.
The real answer is to lay down the rules and enforce them. This idea that we have to behave consistently with the rules we apply to the kid is silly. When the kid cusses, make clear that the kid is not allowed to cuss and apply consequences. When the kid protests that Daddy cusses, tell him that he is not Daddy, and when he grows up he can cuss all he wants.
Note: I am not downplaying the value of modeling good behavior. But the OP is trying and not succeeding. Does this mean he can't teach his kid? NO!
All parents have areas where they want to teach their kid to be BETTER than they are. And the way to do it is to enforce the rules, so that they become habits for the kid, and the kid doesn't fall into the same bad habits as the parent.
It's true: to stop swearing in front of your kids, you really have to stop swearing altogether. Like a lot of young couples, my wife and I swore casually in conversation, which kept the words in ready recall when you need an interjection for stubbing your toe. Even if you watch your mouth around the kids, when you get cut off in traffic or knock over a glass of milk, the words will come out before you think about them.
So here's the two step approach:
What works best is to come up with some harmless synonyms, and if they're amusing you'll be more likely to stick with them. As an easy example, we'd say "donkey" anytime we would have said "ass", which ended up cracking us up. Eventually the day came when our daughter pointed out to us something she considered to be "bad-donkey", and we decided even the euphemism should be cleaned up a bit before she takes it to preschool. It was surprisingly easy replacing the real swears with similar G-rate words, and it was perfectly easy to turn off the humorous synonyms later.
Well, I think the general consensus to control your own behavior is the route I'd take. Sure it's difficult, but you can't really expect your child to do (or not do) something you are not willing to do (or not do).
Check out this clip on mirror neurons from PBS and you can quickly see biochemically why modeling appropriate behavior is so vitally important! There is science behind the old saying Monkey See, Monkey Do after all.
www.pbs.org/wgbh/nova/body/mirror-neurons.html
And as you've said, controlling your own behavior can be difficult, particularly if you're trying to change old habits. For this reason, I think its important to be honest with your child and say something along the lines of "I know I've asked you not to swear, and I know that I still do sometimes. I'm working on it, but I'm having a hard time. I just wanted to let you know that I am really working on it."
That way the expectation remains clear, but so does your acknowledgment of your own behavior and the challenges of changing old habits. Better to not start in the first place is a valuable lesson in habits itself!
I have come at this late, but I have to say that I have no difficulty separating out my behaviour with the band on tour (swearing may be quite common :-) and at home with the family (I don't swear at all)
It never required any great effort, just an understanding of environment - I wouldn't swear at all in my day job either. Aligning behaviour to environment can make this very easy.
Kids can and will quote you verbatim on the worst possible statements at the worst possible time.
To avoid that, moderate your language at all times when the child is within earshot.
I can sometimes bang my first into any nearby wall, or drop objects from a slightly-higher-than-necessary height, and I have seen my son imitate some of that for no apparent reason - probably because he doesn't see or understand what triggers my action.
Really, the only solution is to be a positive role model. If you can't, how can you expect it from your child?
As well as the answers that talk about how to solve the ongoing problem, the way to solve the problem at the moment it occurs is: Ignore it.
I remember the morning my small toddler son came into the kitchen and started delightedly saying "Damn it! Damn it! Damn it!"
I didn't react at all. I ignored him, just as I'd do if he babbled nonsense.
He soon completely forgot the phrase; it never became part of his permanent vocabulary. (At least not so far, and he's twelve now.)
Small children use language for interaction. Successful interaction reinforces words; failed interaction weakens them. If certain words completely fail at producing any interaction with others, they'll be dropped quickly.
The other answers here are generally advocating that you change your habits of cussing. i'm gonna go against the grain here and tell you not to.
"but what about the kid?!" well he's 1. in my experience, you have at least a year probably 2 before it can potentally flop out there when you don't want.
and that's the key here. it MIGHT become a problem. it's not guaranteed. thinking back, of my 5 kids i'm not sure i ever had to have that conversation when they were pre-schoolers.
IMO you should focus on what you want to teach them, not on what you're afraid they'll learn. Proactive, not defensive. i mean lets' face it: there are more important lessons. if your 3yo is a stellar example of toddler behaviour when you go to a restaurant, it's largely irrelevant if they drop an f-bomb when they spill their drink ...might even be funny. but if they're exactly the opposite and are a ridiculous, crying, hollering mess in the restaurant, spill > fbomb is just as irrelevant.
now later on, say age 8-10, you may find that the kid is trying to stretch their boundaries by saying "crap" and "hell" or whatever around you... testing it out... seeing what they can get away with. I always stomp it immediatly. "that is an adult word that adults use for adult reasons" (yes i say adult that much) "and you're not an adult. besides, if your grandmother heard you, she'd kill us both."
You're not going to stop them from thinking it or hearing it or learning it. I just taught mine not to say it out loud till they're old enuf to deal with the consequences on their own.
I personally have found the most success in not teaching our child to not swear but instead teaching her where it is ok to swear. Children are going to learn the words. Teaching them responsible behavior is always better than sheltering them from something they are guaranteed to be exposed to.
It took my husband and myself about 6 months (before the kids were born, so less pressure) but we were eventually able to stop. Now most, if any, of the cursing just happens inside my head.
You just have to find replacement words - "fudge", "shucks", "heck", "darn", etc. Once you have replacement words - it's a matter of replacing your vocabulary. It's a slow process, but it does happen. You both need to point out to the other when they forget. For example, if I'd accidentally let one slip, my husband would go - "what was that?" It's just a friendly reminder about a goal that we were both working for.
Having said that, if the two of you are not able to work on this together, it'll be really challenging. You both need to make a conscious effort in restraint - and have to want to stop cursing. If either of you thinks that it's not important enough, this is not going to work out well.
I have always sworn mild to moderate...I was going to really stop. But they grew smarter than I realized and at some 3 to 5 years old they probably threw a few words out...I made no comment. When it seemed like they could understand , I explained maybe 10 times each that they were not invited to speak like that until they were 18. I went on to tell them examples of how STUPID kids sound swearing with their little friends when overheard by others . I encouraged them to think about being embarrassed by behavior that other people might judge them to be weird or unacceptable. It didn't matter to me I told them because I'm not the one they're judging. I really kind of left it up to them to decide, Anyway....that is hard to explain to adults but kids get it.
I was out of town on my oldest daughters birthday. I called to wish her a happy birthday, and she let out with all the swear words she could rattle off when she started laughing at the fact I had forgotten the big privdglege of swearing when she turned 18. In fact, I have a picture of her in a birthday hat and sign with all the words she used!
I have raised 3 others with the same deal and none of them really questioned it...and none of them talk like I did..do.
If you find it difficult to stop, and can't reduce the number of cases to a non-problematic level, you could immediately and regretfully chastise yourself, not because you said the word, but because your reaction was inappropriate. Babies tend to be pretty sensitive to emotional context, and that would help give the impression that this is something you wish you did differently.
That is, I think, the most effective way to get across the "do as I say, not as I do" point. If you seem (even better, if you are) genuinely disappointed to be doing as you do not as you say, there is much less motivation to emulate your behavior. (It still might not work, but my parents managed to avoid passing on certain habits to all three of their children by using this tactic.)
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