How much should a 26 y.o. adult child assist their parents?
I have a friend who is a 26 year old single guy who makes a good amount of money, not six figures but a close amount. He bought a 3 bedroom house and has a solid career, and on top of his apps and open source projects he is branching out socially.
But his parents, who gave everything for his private school education, have been underemployed for a few years and financially struggled. He has helped them here and there with money but did it selectively and carefully, as he learned the hard way they can get too dependent on him. But finally his Dad got a fulltime job, making a modest white collar salary again. They're short on cash, but their house valuation nearly doubled.
Coincidentally, his Dad is moving to the same city as his son. The son gave a few thousand to help his cash strapped parents get the house on the market, and the parents promise to pay him back. But while the house gets sold, the son reluctantly agrees to let his parents and younger brother move in temporarily. His only worry is the sellers market is so competitive that his parents may struggle to buy a house. Not to mention, he despises the petty family drama and more than once told his Dad to stop the attitude or find somewhere else to live.
I only post this because I'm close to this guy and can relate to his experiences. Its so backwards to the typical narrative nowadays. Most kids in their 20s live with their parents and rely on them for help, not the other way around. He came to me for advice and I do not know what to say.
What rules and boundaries should be established in this kind of situation? Financially and socially, What can he do to balance his own life and seeking his own family while helping his parents? Is there things he should have done differently to balance expectations more optimally?
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I'm the father of three and I would say that it should be the same thing he probably heard a thousand times growing up. "My house, my rules."
He is being kind and generous letting his family stay with him, but that doesn't mean he needs to be a door mat. If they don't want to live under his rules, they can find an apartment to live in until they find a house.
Its so backwards to the typical narrative nowadays.
This is a very one-sided sort of question but is also very specific to the type of culture you were grown up in. When I was a kid, my friend had a three/four generation household. I currently live in a three-generational household where I am the main provider for my household and never ask my parents for rent.
For some cultures, specifically Hispanic and Asian cultures, while it's not norm in this country, it's not uncommon or 'backwards.' My mother takes care of my toddler while I work and most of the household chores while my father, husband, and I work.
My parents give me space when I have friends over and vice verse. This is about the idea of managing expectations. If your friend expected this to be temporary, he should tell his father to leave. If this was never the expectation, it could be seen as both culturally rude and disrespectful for deciding after the fact that the behavior of a man he's known his entire life was just then 'not up to standard.' If he is the only one suffering from disrespect, he is still in his right to tell them to go.
Also, what needs to be decided is if the house is a two household situation or one. Are the parents 'roommates' or are they a familial unit? If the parents are 'roommates', boundaries need to be written down and either formalized in a lease or at the very least a collective agreement of house rules. If the household is a single familial unit, he needs to not be surprised that his parents are treating their child like their child, regardless of age, and be as sensitive to their needs as he expects it of them.
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