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Hoots : How do you manage an aggressive child? He's 2. He keeps hitting adults for fun. How do I teach him that this is wrong and should not be done? How do I teach the concept of "this is good, this is bad" to a 2-year-old? - freshhoot.com

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How do you manage an aggressive child?
He's 2. He keeps hitting adults for fun. How do I teach him that this is wrong and should not be done? How do I teach the concept of "this is good, this is bad" to a 2-year-old?


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In the twos is when good/bad ok/not ok start actually making sense. You can definitely teach your child at this age what is acceptable and not; in fact, this is how they end up leaving the 'terrible twos' and move into the 'why' stage; they start realizing things are a certain way, including good/bad, but also realize that motorcycles are parked outside in spaces not meant for cars, and that people cross the walk against the light.

They get there by repetition, largely. Their brains have to develop sufficiently to hit that black-and-white stage (where things are good or bad, right or wrong); you can't teach that, but you can put the groundwork for which things are which.

Until that stage is reached, a few tips:

Often, the child is hitting because they are out of control. Learn strategies to let them regain control. Some children at this age respond to time outs (real time out, as in a calm-down period, not a punishment). Many don't, though; for those, like my oldest at first.
Try to teach them 'calm' techniques. My oldest learned to say "calm" in a low, long tone, sort of like the Buddhist 'Om'. It works for him; he calms down after saying it a few times. We also sometimes count to 10 or 20 (by we, I mean he and I - not '1-2-3' but actually just counting numbers to get in a calmer mindset).
The child may be seeking attention. Negative attention is still attention, so hitting gets you to talk to him. This has to be managed carefully; at best, you would give him more attention at other times so to prevent this from being an issue, but that's often not possible. Ignoring isn't an answer either, however. Instead, calmly say "No thank you, hitting is not nice" or some variant on that, pick him up, move him away from you or the person he hit a few feet, and then return to what you were doing. Repeat as needed.
If he seems to be hitting in response to a particular stimuli (for example, my oldest hits his younger brother when he interferes with his playing), calmly remind him that isn't an acceptable way to handle the situation - and provide him with a good alternative. This even works for attention seeking, as you can remind him a good way to get attention. This worked very well for my oldest as he would yell "Don't Talk Mommy Daddy" when we'd talk to each other in the car; we asked him instead to ask politely "Can I talk Mommy?", which he learned to do after five or six times.

The key to most of these is Don't get Mad, and Repetition. Don't get mad, meaning don't angrily tell him things; odds are he's hitting because he's stressed, and you're making it worse (and reinforcing the anger response to stress). Repetition is key to all of this; just like you learn the multiplication tables by doing 3x5 a half dozen times, so too does your child learn proper social behavior by repetition. Don't be discouraged when the first 5 times don't work. Try another 5 times. Consistency is more important than finding the 'one true way' to help your child learn something.


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