How to tell my son (10yo), somebody he knows as a man, is actually a woman?
My adult step-daughter is in a same sex relationship. I love her and support her decision, if this makes her happy. I'm neither pro or against homosexuality ... actually, I'm not even neutral, I'm indifferent to the same-sex lifestyle choice ... almost.
Her partner is more of a man than most of the men she's dated, and is hard not to like. Also, my grandchild is very young and calls this person 'papa', which I didn't care for, but ... ok ... whatever.
The problem is, my son, who is now 10, has known this person for years, and thinks she's a man. My son is not stupid, is going to figure it out soon, assuming his friends don't figure it out first ... which I don't expect will go well for my son.
I need to tell my son.
Now I should point out that when I said I'm 'indifferent' 'almost', I meant; I don't care if somebody chooses to be in a same-sex relationship, and if my child one day tells me they're gay, as my step-daughter has, I will still love them.
But having said that, I don't consider it normal and I don't want to encourage it in anyway.
In a nut shell, this situation is pushing this conversation on me a lot earlier than I feel is appropriate, while at the same time is long over due (we assumed it was temporary and we'd never have to deal with).
So does anybody have any advice on telling my 10 year old son this 'man' is actually a woman? And how can I tell him without him hating his sister, her partner, or thinking this is completely normal, and should explore homosexuality for himself when he's a teenager.
But before you answer, please keep my value system in mind. Anti/Pro gay comments aren't going to help me at all.
Also since I'm posting anonymously and can't vote, edit, or accept, I just wanted to thank you in advance.
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The person you need to have a talk with is your daughter's partner, before your son.
Your question makes it unclear whether this person is female or transgender, whether they present and refer to themselves as male or female, etc. Maybe that's because you don't know yourself. Ask, and ask how she/he wants you to refer to him/her around your son or other people.
In the process, you may also get some insight about how homosexuality and gender identification are not things that most people can choose. Hint: do you choose to be heterosexual? Probably not, you just feel like you've always been wired that way, and could never force yourself to be anything else. Give others the benefit of the doubt that they are in the same boat, whatever their hard-wired preferences are.
You know that most people are right handed and have no choice, some are left handed and have no choice, and a very few are ambidextrous (I suppose could "choose" to behave right-handedly all the time, but who cares?). Talking about "pro-left-handed" or "anti-left-handed", "approving" of left handedness, or worrying about whether acknowledging the existence of left-handed people might influence the writing hand of your kids, are just nonsensical, and merely betray a misunderstanding of how handedness works. Gay is similar.
Just be honest.
Since you're requesting an answer that supports your personal value system, and only you really know all the details of what that value system is, the best advice I can give you is simply to tell your son what you believe.
Tell your son that "he" is really a "she" in a matter-of-fact tone, and don't say any more. Your son will almost certainly ask questions, and lead the direction of the following discussion. Answer him honestly.
If your son isn't asking enough questions, you can repeat the important pieces of background information you wrote in your question above. Mention that you love your step-daughter, and support her decisions. Tell your son that you like her partner. But also explain that you don't consider it normal, and that you don't want to encourage it, and explain why.
Mention why you felt the need to tell your son why you were hesitant to discuss this with him, and also why you couldn't put it off any longer.
Most of all, tell your son that you will still love him no matter what decisions he makes.
Let your step-daughter and her partner take care of it. They will probably be better at explaining the situation than you. If your son has questions after that, answer them as briefly and as non-judgementally as possible.
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