How to talk to my 13 year old son about inapropriate comments
Recently an issue has arisen with my 13 year old son and a girl he was "dating". While they were dating, I was one of those parents that always went through his phone and read messages.
I was relieved when they broke up because some of the things she was saying to him made me nervous.
At school two weeks ago she was calling him names, telling him he was worthless, and just kept pushing. He then retaliated and said he hated her and wanted to slit her throat. (He doesn't really; he was angry.)
We spoke about dealing with anger and being hurt in different ways, e.g. try to stay away from her and avoid any potential of having an altercation. We spoke about the severity of death threats and the repercussions. Then today he said something to her out loud on the school yard to the effect of "you're going to get raped someday".
I have not spoken to him yet, and I am unsure as to how to approach this. He is generally a really good kid, good manners, well behaved, helpful...
I think that these two kids are just toxic for each other.
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There are things that no one should ever say no matter how toxic a relationship is, and those are two of them. Wishing that someone who is making your life miserable would die is probably more common than we would like to admit; however threatening them with such graphic violence is not (in my limited experience). The repercussions for this kind of talk are vast (from quasi-legal to social) and maybe difficult to appreciate for a 13 year old, so talking to him about it may not be enough.
I would involve the school counselor now. They have ways to intervene between the two of them that you don't. They may also have him assessed for anger issues he shows at school, and hopefully keep an eye out for other potentially painful things (for example, ostracism) that they can discuss with him. If he gets such counseling, it may help.
I would also insure there were significant consequences for this kind of self-expression at home. This isn't just a school issue. It's a values issue.
Maybe it's not popular, but I would make him apologize, as I would want anyone who said anything of this nature to one of my own children to own up to the wrongness of their behavior.
Continue doing what you're doing (discussions, options, etc.), keep lines of communication and self-expression open, and talk to him about how, why, and how deeply this person has hurt him. To understand that other people don't always hurt us because we somehow deserve it helps a lot.
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