My dad still yells at me as an adult and I don't know how to react because he's my dad
My dad has always been a "mad person". Recently I was talking with my mom and she said a large reason she divorced with him was because he was always mad.
Now, the following is a onetime example but similar things keep happening and I don't know how to get it to stop. Also, some details I consider irrelevant, but others may not so I'll try to give as much info as possible.
My dad had offered to do me a favor and give me a ride somewhere. We met at his place. While at his place I had some work related notes I had to read. Now, I thought it was pretty obvious I needed to focus but he kept talking to me and distracting me and I snapped "be quiet!" (I may have said it in a loud voice but I didn't yell at him). He started yelling his head off at me for the next 15 minutes. He was saying things like "I'm allowed to speak! This is my house and I make the rules!" He also acts threatening when he's yelling and is very animated.
One thing I don't get is what my dad want? At my job I deal with lots of angry people, but they're angry because they're not getting something they want. I realize it was rude for me to say be quiet, but him yelling for a long time is ridiculous. In fact, I'm sure if he conducts himself at work the same way he would get fired (and to my knowledge he has never been fired).
I don't know what to do about it. At work if a colleague yells at me I would wait for them to calm down and tell them yelling doesn't help the problem. If a stranger yelled at me I'd ignore them. If a friend yelled at me, we wouldn't be friends if it happened as frequently as it does with my dad.
He seems to always do this when he has an advantage over me, like how he offered to give me a ride and I was already at his place. I keep forgetting not to trust him. I made my self a note on Google Calendar not to trust my dad with help and I have it set to remind me each day, but this kind of gives me a bad gut feeling.
I admit he's good at manipulating me. For example his text message said "I have lunch for you here. How about I come pick you up in 10 minutes?"
Also, I've considered it might be a mental illness on his part. But I sometimes don't see what difference this makes. I used to work for a company where someone got away with breaking all the rules and being a jerk because he was diagnosed with alcoholism. In the same way, if my dad has anger management I can't just decide not to be bothered by him yelling at me.
EDIT: he also gets mad and yells at other people (including strangers and family) but he seems to do it the most to me.
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There was a lot of yelling in my house growing up - first between my mom and dad, then after they got divorced between my dad and step-mom, and by my step-mom (and sometimes my dad) at me and my brother. I thought dealing with problems by yelling was normal and expected, and it took being out in the world for quite a while to realize that yelling is not necessary or typical, and can even be avoided close to 100% of the time with at least equal (and usually better) success at solving problems. And the whole experience of disagreement is far less damaging to everyone involved when people address each other calmly and respectfully throughout.
Once I figured that out, I started by correcting my own behavior. Then I explained to my dad and step-mom that yelling wasn't part of a healthy environment, and that I didn't want to participate in any situation in which people were going to resort to screaming/yelling/shouting of any kind. I told them I was happy to come spend time with them as my family, but that if people started yelling, I was going to leave (no matter who they were yelling at). I was clear with them that I deserved respectful behavior and I would expect it. I only had to walk out of their house one time before they got the message that I was really serious, and neither of them has yelled for longer than maybe 2 seconds in my presence since then. It was hard to walk out that one time, because it meant missing my little brother's birthday, but it wound up being worth it in the long run.
It is important, though, that I treated them with only loving and respectful behavior, because that meant I had a leg to stand on. Snapping at someone to "be quiet" is reasonable under some circumstances (like you're hiding in a closet from a burglar and don't want them to find you), but responding that way to someone who is just trying to engage you in conversation is VERY rude. It is treating them as beneath you, which has got to be a trigger for just about everyone. I strongly recommend being polite and respectful to your dad, while at the same time asserting that you will only accept respectful behavior from him in return. And recognize that it may take a little time for your dad to actually change his behavior. I strongly suspect that he will change his behavior, though, because it sounds like he cares very much about having a relationship with you, and my experience is that that is very strong motivation for most parents.
I'm a firm believer in boundaries, as anyone familiar with my answers knows. Healthy boundaries are important in any relationship, including with your dad.) I think you need to establish a few boundaries with your dad. But boundaries must be reasonable if they are to be effective.
This is a reasonable boundary:
I'm not a child anymore, I'm an adult like you. I will treat you with respect, and in return, I expect you to treat me with respect. Yelling is not respectful, and if you yell at me, I will stop conversing with you; if you continue, I will excuse myself and leave.
This is not a reasonable boundary:
I'm not a child anymore, I'm an adult like you. I will treat you however it suits me, including with disrespect, inattention, and ingratitude, and in return I expect you to treat me with respect. Yelling is not respectful; if you yell at me, I will excuse myself and leave.
I don't know the entire picture of your relationship with your father; you've given us only two moments in time.
In the first, sure, he overreacted. Saying "I'm allowed to speak! This is my house and I make the rules!" is immature. But I suspect he was hurt, and anger follows very swiftly on the heels of hurt, because hurt is just painful and the hurt person feels helpless, unvalued, unloved?, and vulnerable, while anger gives a false sense of control/action. You are he one who hurt him. (That needs to be acknowledged if progress is to be made.)
The other is what you describe as an attempt to manipulate you:
his text message said "I have lunch for you here. How about I come pick you up in 10 minutes?"
I think the two of you are stuck in a pattern of hurt and misunderstanding. What your dad wants from you is probably simple enough: we all crave love, affection, appreciation, respect, fairness, etc. The order is inverse to the degree of intimacy of the relationship. A stranger wants fairness (e.g. we all obey the laws of the land; that's how we get along.) An employee wants fairness and respect, plus appreciation for a job when well done. Etc.
To make an effective boundary, you need to give what you expect. It's ok if you don't trust him; healthy boundaries are important for trust to exist in a relationship. It needs to be built up.
If you think he's trying to manipulate you (as opposed to, he would love to see you and one way of doing that is to give you something where you spend time together, e.g. lunch), you have absolutely no obligation to do as he says. (Well, even if he just wants to have some quality time with you, you still don't have to acquiesce. As an adult, you have your own responsibilities to think of.) You are completely within your rights to text back, "(Really) sorry, Dad, I can't today." If he gets angry (e.g. "But I already bought all this food for you!"), then text back, "Dad, you really should check with me before planning something. I'm sorry you bought food, but I can't today. Maybe another time, but please check with me first."
You said in comments:
the question is what should I do when my dad yells at me?
I would say, keep calm, stay respectful, and adhere to already establishes boundaries. Discuss those boundaries only after thinking about what you want your relationship with your dad to look like (and whatever you feel about an angry-for-years-father is ok; we feel what we feel) then when all is calm, have a discussion. If he objects/balks, stick to your guns calmly, and let him vent a little (not a lot) and redirect to what your boundary is. If he throws out red herrings, ignore them or throw them back ("that's not the point; how you treat me is the point") and stick to your message.
Most parent-adult child relationships are strained for a number of years before they settle down into mutual respect (sometimes they never do.) Treat your father respectfully and expect the same. If it's not forthcoming, you have a right to limit the relationship to anything you feel safe/content doing, including no relationship at all. But make sure you think out all the consequences of such a decision; it might be better to limit your contact to once a month/whatever.
I am unfortunately a yeller so I am very intrigued by your question (but admit it is a bad habit inasmuch as swearing).
First, I think that your dad yells because it is a form of deeply rooted communication style for him. He needs to be aware of this, and address the causes of this habit and try to refocus his anger and bitterness. Probably coaching or counseling would help substantially.
Second, you should clarify yourself whether this is your father's worst habit or occasionally a prelude to more aggressive (even violent) behavior. This is much more dangerous than yelling, if it is ever the case.
Third, you should confront him politely but firmly, clarifying him that there is no room for yelling between adults unless there is some dramatic and life threatening situation (eg a fire).
Eventually, if he does not want to get help (professional or not), the best options are avoiding him altogether (but I would avoid it...), or indifference. In other words, such as when children swear, the best course of action is to act indifferently and actually show the yeller that he loses a window of communication until he stops the disrespectful behavior.
Everyone who is saying that OP is at fault here are wrong. Especially given their statement that their mother divorced their father for "being mad" - that suggests that this is part of a pattern of abuse. It is not ok to yell at your adult child, and to do so in response to a snapped "be quiet" is STILL massively inappropriate. Something like snapping at a friend/family member is something that I think most adults realize happens once in a while, especially when stressed or distracted. The described response is NOT. And they have every right and need to set the boundaries discussed above- their (minor) misstep does not even factor in. This is at the very least a toxic relationship, and for OPs safety and happiness, they should continue as they have already, not accepting favors or extra contact with their father.
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