My 13-year-old son made a foolish and wasteful donation. How can I teach him he was wrong?
My son is a 13-year-old honor roll student. He comes home and has all his chores done by the time I get home. He is a great kid.
He was hanging out with his friends; this group has been friends since first grade. They were at the local skating park, and saw a donation box for clothes and shoes, saying 'single shoes accepted'. For whatever reason one of his friends (a girl) asked him to donate his right shoe, and he did.
After they got home they where laughing about it and decided to donate all his right shoes, worth about 5, including one from a 5 pair he had never worn and that he had gotten only the day before.
I found out the next morning when he came downstairs, wearing a pair of shorts and a t-shirt, his left shoe and a sock on his right foot. He told me he donated all his right shoes to charity. He left wearing a sock on his right foot.
When he got home in the afternoon I asked him where all his right shoes were and he just laughed it off and told me what happened. When I tried to talk to him about it, his attitude was "it’s no big deal". I asked why he did that and he said it was funny. It doesn’t bother him a bit that he doesn’t have but left shoes. He thinks it’s funny and apparently has no concept of the amount of money he wasted. I hadn't budgeted to replace shoes until next school year.
How should I handle this?
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First off, I strongly recommend taking the money out of your thinking. Teenagers can do foolish things that can be expensive, but it just doesn't help to dwell on the cost of the shoes. Remember: your son is worth a lot more to you than those shoes. Presumably it will be possible to speak with someone at the donation center to get those shoes back.
Second, I'd consider the possibility that your son isn't nearly as blithe about the situation as you suppose. People often cover up feelings of shame and regret by making out that what they did was "no big deal". It's not your job to make your son feel anything. Your job as a parent is to help your child become an independent and productive adult. So it doesn't matter whether your son feels foolish as long as he learns to avoid being foolish in the future.
Third, it's really important to listen to and understand his reasons for giving away the shoes. If he says it was just to be funny, take that at face value. You'll need to talk out how he might act on the desire to do something funny without doing something he might regret or that might cause you pain. Be sure to encourage him developing his abilities and talents. Once you've made that clear then talk about how this particular event hurt you.
Finally, consider an appropriate consequence for his behavior. Going without one shoe is the natural consequence, but perhaps too harsh for a simple mistake of youth. If he has an allowance, consider requiring him to pay half the cost of replacing his shoes. If he doesn't have an allowance, consider having him do roughly the equivalent hours of chores he'd need to do if you paid him a wage. The cost currently falls on you, but when he leaves the house, it would have been his responsibility. The time to learn that is now, when the consequences are relatively minor.
I understand the situation, and here some things that have helped us with our four kids:
Your son needs a stern talk from Dad to correct his behavior related to girls.
Buy him some cheap shoes from the local thrift store.
Implement the allowance/budget strategy: he earns weekly income based on chores, finishing school-work, and attitude. Establish a reasonable budget (i.e., saving, giving, cash, clothing) where he must purchase his own shoes.
In our household, my wife and I have found that step #3 is a well-founded approach to correct our children's behavior over time...and it has instilled in them respect for us and an understanding of how money works.
Here are some helpful references for step 3:
Dave Ramsey (allowance/clothing budget)
Economides' MoneySmart Family System
Cheers!
Donate the left shoes in the same donation box. Whether or not they are able to get single shoes to those who need them, having a half-pair sit in your son's closet does nobody any good. Might as well finish what he started.
By only giving right shoes, he has potentially wasted the charity's time: many people need only one shoe, but there's a chance this particular charity doesn't serve that need. (Thrift stores, for example, typically sell whole pairs. Whether they would re-donate single shoes depends on the charity.) Take the opportunity to teach him about why shoe donations are needed, who will benefit from those shoes, and so on.
Buy one pair of shoes from the organization that runs the donation box. If you can't figure that out, or there isn't one near you, any thrift store will do!
He does need to have shoes, but they don't have to be fancy and
they definitely don't have to be expensive.
Optional. Have him work off the cost of future new shoes in chores and odd jobs around the house. You set the rate, he does the work.
Ultimately, your goal should be to help teach the value of things he owns. A parent goes to work to get a paycheck, which eventually becomes shoes, food, housing, and so on. Having that be discarded (even in a "positive" way like donating to charity) is understandably hurtful as a parent: not only is the physical object being undervalued, but your effort and care in providing for him was not acknowledged and considered. ("That was 0 of shoes. That's a lot of full-time work for me/other-parent, just to pay for shoes. I'm hurt you think that's so worthless.") Having him put in some work to get the next few pairs of nicer shoes is going to help drive that point home.
Divide 575$ by a reasonable hourly wage and make him work that many hours for charity (for free). Thereafter forget about the incident and the 575$.
This will sharpen his mind for the problems of the not so lucky, and he might consider thinking a bit more about any future actions. For yourself: be happy about the lesson learned.
With care you can reverse this situation, turn it into a teachable moment, and gain massive respect into the bargain.
Recognise that 13 year old boys do really dumb things for girls
Really stupid, falling over themselves in circles like a little puppy dog dumb.
At that age, swapping a shoe for a smile from a pretty girl might seem like a good trade. Attraction clouds judgement, and he presumably hasn't learned to handle himself yet. This is something you will need to teach.
Make him aware of the problem he has caused
If he's a good kid you can explain to him clearly and calmly the family financial problem he has caused. Show him the budget spreadsheet and the hole he's made. Show him what will have to be sacrificed to make up the difference and how that's going to hurt everyone.
Be calm about it and not accusatory. He will probably come to understand the problem he has caused.
Give him natural consequences (but not too severe)
Making him walk around with only one shoe is probably a bit cruel. I would buy him a cheap pair of shoes and make him use those for a little while.
Remember it's only shoes
It could be a lot worse. He might have started smoking or taking drugs, or dropped out of school. Shoes can be fixed. Maintain perspective.
Gain respect by quietly solving the problem
At this point you have two options, you can either hold him to account for the money, or you can forgive, move on, and try to fix the problem.
If you hold him to account, your son goes in debt to you to the tune of 0. This is a big deal. It's a true statement that the borrower is slave to the lender, I don't think this is the relationship you want with your child.
My advice would be to call the number on the charity box and explain what happened. You might be able to get them to open the box and recover the shoes.
Make him sweat for a while until he shows contrition and learns the lesson, then replace the shoes in his wardrobe. Your son will be impressed. You'll earn his respect for cleverly solving the problem and strengthen your bond with him. If he respects you he will care what you say and think.
You will also solve a financial problem. All his money ultimately comes from you after all.
I would be more concerned that he thought it was funny to make fun of the disadvantaged. Donate the left shoes to the charity.
Then buy him a cheap pair of shoes, if he wants expensive fancy shoes he can save up for them so he will learn the value of shoes and will respect gifts from you.
How is you family dealing with ownership within the household? If the shoes were "his," free and clear, then he can do whatever he wants with him. However, if when you bought them for him, there were strings attached (like "these shoes are expensive, but we think you'll do good things with them"), then he did not have the right to give them away without consulting. I have a suspicion this is in a grey area within your household. Otherwise he either would not have donated them, or you wouldn't have had problems with him doing so.
Personally, I think learning about donations is a valuable lesson, even in such an abstract situation. Sure, it'd have been nice if he didn't donate something he currently needed, but that's a lesson one has to learn. Better he does this now than later in his high school career when he tries to donate the car you got him!
Now, all of that is generalized psychology. I feel qualified in delivering that part. The next part (what to do about it) must come with a disclaimer that, while I was a 13 year old boy once, I don't have any of my own, so take it with a grain of salt.
The conversation that probably needs to happen is one of the complexities of ownership within a household. He should know you still love him, but he also needs to know that his actions have consequences. You feel betrayed by his actions, because you feel his sense of ownership did not align with yours as a parent. Explain that there will be consequences, because now you have to consider his apparent treatment of his property when buying new things "for him."
Perhaps you don't buy him a new pair of shoes. Perhaps you buy a new pair of shoes and loan them to him like a mortgage (do you have a home or an apartment? If this happens to be an opportunity to teach him about some of the bills you have to pay, so much the better!). Work with him on the choice of shoes. They're going to have to be affordable and durable enough to keep his feet covered until he can pay them off, but they also should be a style that he can wear to school. It will likely be a tough choice for him, especially if he likes the "cool" shoes which cost a lot. You aren't obligated to loan him just any set of shoes -- only shoes which you think benefit him at the price/goodness ratio you see fit.
You might also start being more strict about use of objects you "own," but I would be careful with this approach. It could create more of a divide between you and your son. However, at least for the short term, he needs to understand that you respond to his choices (define "short term" according to how long it takes him to learn a lesson), however you choose to implement that.
I would learn him to respect the value of money, and have him buy the next pair of shoes from his own pocket.
This way, it would only hurt his own pocket if he choose to do the same over again. (Or something likewise)
Let him live with the consequences of his actions and walk around with one shoe. If he has a job or an allowance, he will quickly learn just how valuable a pair of shoes are after spending a few days with only one.
I thought twice before posting this, but since almost all posts are about the money, another perspective may enrich the debate. I don't know which country you are from, maybe I'll touch some cultural sensibilities. Anyway, maybe it is better to read this from a complete stranger. In my country we value a lot social interactions, maybe that's why your son story shocked me. Please take a moment to think about what I have to say.
First, I believe I'll do stupid actions due to girls till the last day in my life. It is completely normal, specially if you are 13 years old.
But with 13 years, your son isn't a child any more. The girl and her/his friends were poking fun at him. From his reaction, he liked it. Other people were laughing about something he did. He made someone happy. It looks like he was craving so much for any kind of social interaction, that he tried to get a little more of it giving all his shoes.
I've known a bunch of guys that excel at school but don't have a clue in interpersonal relationships. They usually aren't very happy. Some of them didn't even became functional adults. All this story, may be a cry for help.
My advice is that you should talk to other adults and children that usually watch your son in social settings. Ask how your boy behave, if he knows how to interact. See if it is really a problem.
To be sociable is a learnable skill, and a lot easier to learn when you are young and have a lot of opportunities to interact with your peers. Your son will probably be more successful in his career if he knows how to do it. A professional, a psychologist, may help.
Money is the least important thing in this story. Your son will probably be happier having good and valued friends than being an honor student.
I think it is an opportunity for you to help your son understand why organisations ask for donation. You could tell him, donations are usually made to help people in need.
If you could figure out the best way he understands that, it is essential for donors to think about the people in the receiving end. If he had thought about it he would either have donated the pair because the box said "that they accept one shoe but didn't say they don't accept pair". He could have helped more people or simply he kept the pair for himself and haven't have lost any pair. By simply donating without thinking he now can't use them for himself and he could have served more people by donating pairs.
The point I am making is to stress the importance of thinking before donating.
You'll need to get replacement shoes in the cheapest possible way. In the UK, I'd go to the nearest charity shop and try to find the cheapest pair of used shoes that he can wear.
Anything else will teach the boy that he can do significant financial damage to his parents without any consequence for himself, which is not a good lesson learnt.
After some further thought: It seems the boy is working to make money, and has been paying for these shoes, and some people think because he paid for them, he can do with them what he wants. That's wrong. He is a child, and his parents' job is to prepare him for life. They have the power and the duty to do that. So even if his behaviour only hurt himself, they still have to teach him that it was wrong; a stupid destruction of value.
So my advice of going to a charity shop and buy used shoes stands. I'd also ask him to figure out what the ecological consequences of his actions are. The single shoes will go into recycling and make a tiny bit of money that way (maybe one dollar per kilo of single shoes if they are lucky), but a lot of energy, raw materials, and possibly lives of animals have been wasted. And he should figure out that donating both 5 shoes to this charity would have been much more effective in helping people.
Make the charity whole
Donate the left shoes as well, that way the charity is made whole.
Why did they really do it
It's possible they found it funny b/c of some teens' snark sense of humor to have the charity looking for matching shoes, only not to find them, as a previous answer has said. As a parent, it's hard to know if that was the root of the humor, but if he and his friends truly wanted to help a charity that wasn't the best way to go about it.
No shirt no shoes no service
Obviously your son can't walk around w/out shoes everywhere, so you really don't have a choice but to buy him a new pair of shoes. I would give him a small amount of $ to buy a new pair of shoes, with the caveat that he understands what he did wasn't the wisest choice.
Let this be a lesson
As others have said, I would reserve the discipline for later, first mistake and all, and nobody got hurt (other than dad's wallet of course).
Leadership skills
Lastly, I would encourage you to pay close attention to the choices he makes at the influence of his friends. I'm not implying you don't pay attention to your son, but what I am saying is: find out if he is more of a follower and less of a leader. For example did the others donate half of a pair of shoes as well? Or did they just talk him into it?
This is worth looking into, because a one off incident that he and his friends did together (albeit unwise) is different than his friends either having a pattern of, or (with this incident) establishing a precedent of, talking him into making the unwise choices, because they'll know he's likely to do it if they apply enough pressure. I have been on both sides of that coin and it was only later after mistakes I learned how to become a leader among my friends, which in reality meant making my own choices, encouraging them to make better choices, and separating myself from them when necessary. Without getting too personal, having a father around would have sped up the development of those qualities, so I encourage you as a fellow father to pass the torch!
Consider items you give to your child a gift to them. The money spent on it then becomes irrelevant since it isn't yours to use; it's theirs. This makes dealing with kids breaking things much easier as it becomes their own responsibility and you'll feel less reason to keep replacing things they break. They learn value much more quickly that way.
If he gives away all his shoes, just give him a single, second-hand pair you buy for cheap that he can wear from now on. You'll probably teach him the cost of these jokes and he can draw whatever conclusions he wants from what happens when you give your stuff away. He might even thinks it's worth it; that's a perfectly fine outcome.
If an afternoon of fun is worth having to walk on second-hand shoes for a few months, than clearly all the money you spent on the shoes was wasted on him anyway. Consider it a valuable lesson for yourself that apparently your kid isn't very interested in expensive shoes. There's probably lots of other stuff you can spend that money on that he or you will appreciate a lot more.
Hehe, that is pretty funny.
Eh, don't worry about it. Kids do silly things, this isn't one that's going to get him killed. Sometimes people just need to do something that goes against the normal course of action, ya' know? It'll be a funny story he can think about/tell other people when he's older.
After he's had his fun, and then gets tired of walking around with only one shoe, you can have him pay the cost when he's ready for another pair. Just wait, he'll come around and start asking for new shoes eventually. Then say, "Sure, how much of your allowance are you willing to spend?"
Maybe get him a pair of flip flops in the meantime if you're worried about him stepping on a nail or something.
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