Should I lie to young children?
In my experience many people routinely lie to very young children, whether it's small lies to serve a purpose ("No there's no more left so let's put it away") or larger narratives like Santa or the Tooth Fairy.
I read in this question that children are ok with the Santa Claus delusion itself because they have "incomplete knowledge" and they like fun make-believe things.
However I notice even with my very young children that people are already saying things which aren't quite true to them, and they sometimes seem to frown or otherwise get confused by it, understandably.
I like the magic of Christmas and fairy tales and everything, but one thing I remember from my own experience of growing up was trying to figure out what was right and truth. As my children grow I would like to find ways to avoid deceiving them, along the lines of 'many children believe that a man called Santa travels around...' and look at it as a legend, hopefully avoiding the direct factual question where possible.
I can endeavour to not lie to them with little every day things, but it seems like it will be difficult to find a good mix of being honest with what I say to my children consistently while still involving them in fantasy and not straying too far from convention/peers/tv/etc..
Also in my brief time as a parent it seems like my kids know when things aren't what someone says they are, even little things, and so I don't want to be undermining their trust in me by doing that just to get a result like putting on their coat or going down for their nap.
I would be really interested in any advice from others.
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In my own opinion, no. I am in the minority I think.
I think we start by teaching what is fiction/fantasy and what is factual.
I never lied about Santa or the tooth fairy -- but we did all those activities including visiting the Santa at the mall. "Santa is an actor, like the mascot at the football game but he's a character that represents Christmas." I am not a Christian and neither were her biological parents, but they did celebrate it as a fun holiday.
I modelled telling the truth every single day, no little white lies.
When she saw a headline about a rape and asked what rape was, she was seven. We sat down and told her, albeit carefully. We used that difficult question to discuss personal space, safety, being careful in new surroundings and which strangers she could probably trust in an emergency.
I often told my kid it was not her business to know something. I never backed down once I made a decision unless I had a very good reason to. Then I admitted it and the reason why it was necessary to change my mind.
So when her very overweight aunt asked, "Do I look fat in this?" I answered, "I think you look wonderful and I like the colour." Later, I explained why we do not answer that kind of question directly or offer a 'truthful but hurtful' opinion for no important reason. When the same aunt asked if she should lose weight, I answered truthfully. "Yes, I think it would be good for your health. Is there any way I can help support you?" Truth with kindness and understanding.
This is just specific to the Santa question. I'm interested in seeing other answers!
I heard the neatest idea about Santa recently: when the child is old enough (beginning to question Santa or peers are starting to figure out), set aside a special time to tell them "something very important." In this conversation, you reveal that Santa is not just one guy: there are Santas everywhere, and now that they are old enough, they can become a Santa, too! To be a Santa, you pick at least one person and figure out something that they really want, but preferably need. In the example I heard, the boy decided that the elderly neighbor, who frequently came out to get the paper in her robe, could really use a new pair of warm slippers for fetching the paper. You leave the gift 100% anonymously (from Santa). The thing is, to be a Santa, it's important to continue to keep the secret, you let them know.
I think this is a good idea because they have gotten the cultural experience of the magical/fantastical narrative when they are young, but the reveal not only is honest (afterall, it was YOU that was Santa all those years, and now they know for sure), but also helps foster a spirit of giving and hopefully altruism that is a very beautiful gift to give your children, I think.
Just wanted to share. This is how I intend to reveal to my child one day.
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